“Let’s Talk About Me” : The Life of a Narcissist

     I thought the song by Toby Keith was very entertaining.  It begins:

           “We talk about your friends, and the places that you’ve been

            We talk about your skin and the dimples on your chin

            The polish on your toes and the run in your hose

            And God knows, we’re gonna talk about your clothes.

           You know talking about you makes me smile but every once in awhile

           I wanna talk about me, wanna talk about I, Wanna talk about number one

           Oh my me my, What I think, what I like, what I know, what I want, what I see,

           I like talking about you, you, you, you

           But occasionally, I wanna talk about me (me, me, me, me)

           I wanna talk about me (me, me).

For more, go to http://artists.letssingit.com/toby-keith-lyrics

      Narcissism seems to be showing up everywhere we turn.  Go figure.  In an age of such little true self-worth combined with high value on power, success, fastest, loudest, most expensive, we are truly set up for it.  So long ago, because Narcissus turned away from all his pursuing lovers, especially a beauty named Echo, an avenging goddess named Nemesis, cursed him by making him fall hopelessly in love with himself and especially his own handsome face.  And thus narcissism, the tendency to self-worship was birthed.  Common attributes include excessive ‘lots of things’:  self-absorption, self-centeredness, attention-seeking, excessive reaction to criticism, self-importance, grandiosity, and entitlement.  The emphasis here is on excessive.  These are people who are quite seductive to be around, often smart and early on, can make you feel great about yourself.  However, further in relationship, one will discover that they are always in control.  I call them the chess meisters.  They are the meister and you are the pawn on the board.  They hold the keys to the kingdom and you are slave to do the bidding.  In Toby Keith’s song, it is difficult to really distinguish which one of the parties is the narcissist.

  

      But let me be clear.  The lay definition is someone in love with themselves.  Clinically, this is not how we see it.  Clinically, we see the person with a narcissistic injury as someone who suffered rejection for who they were, early in life.  Therefore they are terrified of people seeing the real person inside, so they present the “more than” version and hope everyone is dazzled and entertained by the “false self.”  I said to one of my clients, “Imagine you have 7 rooms inside of you.  How many have you let your wife in?” He looked puzzled and immediately spilled out this answer,” Let her in?  I haven’t let her in.  I have nice rockers on my front porch and a great swing set in the back yard.  She isn’t coming inside the house.”  This leads to another discussion:  what it is like to be married on in a serious relationship (boss? father? mother?) with a narcissist.

       Being married to a narcissist can have tragic results.  However, this can be a slow process because in the beginning, you can be so charmed.  Your duty, however, is to constantly bring the “narcissistic supplies” to the over-significant other.  Eventually, the show will end, the lights will come on, and you will find yourself standing on the stage of life, worn out, needs unmet, with a tattered and torn self-worth.  You have listened, given, admired, applauded, sacrificed, and on and on it goes.  Because, you see, the un-recovered narcissist has serious holes in his soul.  Or her soul.   As the case may be.  And for the un-recovered, you are carrying buckets and buckets of water and pouring them into a sieve.  They are in addition, looking for symbiotic relationships: remember to mirror the narcissist, which means, thinking their thoughts, see what they see, hear what they hear, and feel what they feel.

  

     Can I take an aside to say that all untreated addicts and all individuals with diagnoses of antisocial, borderline, histrionic, and paranoid personality disorders will have all the symptoms of the narcissist.  It goes with the pain that will call for attention inside.  If you were to visit me and I had a migraine, I might nod in your direction, but the pain inside would be screaming for attention.  That is the case with all addictions.  

What to do?  Is there any hope?  Where would one start if one decided that he/she is a true narcissist?

One would have to risk stepping off the pedestal.  They would have to join the ordinary people of life.  They would have to begin paying attention , focusing on others.  Listening .  Being willing to let others have the limelight.  They would have to deal with the harsh judgments that reside inside.   They would have to dare to BE.  They would have to risk vulnerability.  They would have to do all these things to realize the sky didn’t fall.  

Wayne Muller in his book, Legacy of the Heart,  included a chapter on Grandiosity and Humility.  In that chapter he gives an exercise  he calls, “The Practice of Being Ordinary”.  Here are some parts of the exercise:  “Several times a day, wherever you are, take a moment to examine your relationship to the people around you.  Whether you are driving down the road, sitting in a meeting, in line at the supermarket, or with a group of friends, notice how you see yourself in relation to everyone else.  Do you feel special, somehow different from everyone else?  in what way?  Do you feel more intelligent, more complex, harder to understand?  are you more introspective, more sensitive, somehow deeper than everyone else in line at the bank?  Perhaps you feel more wounded, more insightful, or maybe you just feel you have more (or less) potential than every else.  Once you have examined the sensation of being “special,” take a moment to imagine the possibility that you may, in fact, be quite ordinary; that you are, in fact, nobody special. “  Imagine saying to the person next to you, “I am just like you.  We are exactly the same.” “ I am as ordinary as they come.”

       Muller suggests you ask yourself this question:  “What would I have to give up in order to be ordinary, to be just like everyone else?”  Great question!  Reminding ourselves that we are all made from the dust of the earth, the same clay, and to dust we will return, could be a great antidote to narcissistic thinking that sets us apart from others.  The narcissist has taken a life position of “I am NOT OK.”  He or she will compensate to cover this in inordinate ways.  And this always leads back to learning to accept oneself, learn to love oneself, in order to love others, a basic tenant of human relationships.

For more on this subject, here are some suggested readings:

Prisoners of Childhood,  Alice Miller

Transforming your Dragons, by Dr. Jose Stevens

Trapped in the Mirror, Dr.  Elan Golomb   

Legacy of the Heart, Wayne Muller