Principles of Nonharm/Nonviolence Applied to Marriage and Relationships

  margaret's musings on....the Principles of Nonharm/Nonviolence Applied to Marriage and Relationships

     I have been trying now for 25 years to convince premarital  couples that one of their purposes in marriage is to be part of the "healing" to the holes in the souls of their partners.  I try to persuade them in the concepts of nonharm, to become Jesus' hands, feet, and voice, to their mate.  My rationale says that people have been hurt enough by the time they get to us, so can we just commit not to rip and tear and gouge their wounds, but be part of the healing balm in their lives?  It is found in the Biblical principle of letting our words and actions edify (build up) each other rather than tearing down?

Though not a perfect man, but a fallen human, Martin Luther King, Jr. has long held a place of honor in my heart as he put forth and lived by a central principle:  nonviolence and 'nonviolent resistance."  The core of his teaching was the power of love as a change agent.  He believed it to be the most influential change agent.  There were 6 pivotal points to his philosophy:

      1.  The stance of nonharm is courageous, requiring emotional and spiritual strength to "stand" against injustice.

      2.  The person taking the stance of nonharm seeks to understand his oppressor, not to shame him.

      3.  the nonviolent person keeps focus on the inherent evil, not the person or people who do evil.

      4.  Nonviolent resistance commits to accept suffering without retaliation.

      5.  God is always on the side of truth and will ultimately bless those on the side of truth.

     6.  And the central point is that love can conquer bitterness and hatred.

Years before King's philosophy was articulated, the words to "Were You there When They Crucified My Lord" were sung by a group of American blacks to Gandhi, setting off an internal explosion in his own soul.  At the end, he said:  "Perhaps it will be through the Negro that the unadulterated message of nonviolence will be delivered to the world."  For Gandhi, the philosophy of "ahimsa" did not mean mere peacefulness of the absence of nonviolence, but was used to denote active love. Gandhi believed that ahimsa is the most powerful force in existence.

   

     This all seems consistent to the greatest teacher ever on the earth.  Jesus:  "and now abide faith, hope, love, these three, but the greatest of these is love.'  And the words of John ring out, "He who loves his brother abides in the light, and there is no cause for stumbling in him."  In the famous Sermon on the Mount, Jesus says, "But I say to you who hear:  love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, and pray for those who spitefully use you.  To him who strikes you on the one cheek, offer the other also.  And from him who takes away your cloak, do not withhold your tunic either."  What a radical teaching!

     My focus right not is not necessarily on taking the path of nonviolence in the face of oppression.  My focus is on taking the stance of nonharm and nonviolence, "active love" if you will, with those we are in relation, especially marriage.  What would nonharm look like in marriage:  It would be the opposite of active harm for sure.  Active harm is cutting, biting words.  It is gouging with sharp sarcasm, it is mocking, it is calling attention to weakness.  It is shaming.  it is intimidating, being forceful, and threatening.  It is screeching out of the driveway.  passive harm, which is more often the "Christian" way, is cold and withholding.  It might be silence, silence that I call quiet violence.  it might be ignorming, walking away, and shutting down.

      God's legacy of one of longsuffering, tender love (read Song of Solomon), pursuit, serving (taking up the towel), amazing love and amazing love.  Even the physicians take the Hippocratic oath which includes the heart of nonharm.  So the encouragement is , when in relationship, dedicate yourself to be a blessing, not a curse.  It is not a cure, but a way of life.

     

The Beatles Revisited:  I Want to Hold Your Hand

     Sometimes if we are awake enough,  profound lessons can be found in the simplest of acts.  One night several of the grandchildren were spending the night in the camper out back with Granddaddy (otherwise known as Gary).  But one of the little guys, Isaiah (over 6 feet tall now!), had a stomach ache and he wanted to sleep with me in the house.  He tossed and turned and I consoled till the wee hours of the morning.  I had drifted off for a little while, when about 3 a.m. I felt this small poke and heard this sweet little voice say, "GoGo, can we hold hands?"  I took his hand in mine, but he adjust his hand until we had interlocked hands finger by finger.
      Those were simple words, yet an invitation to a king's banquet would not have birthed so much delight.  The invitation that spoke without speaking.  It's dark. I'm alone.  I hurt.  So would you join me?  I need you.  Let's touch, because if your big hand will take hold of my little hand, then we'll lay here together.....connected....and that will make me feel better."
     I couldn't help but wonder, is God moved to that extent and that deeply when we say, "God, can we hold hands?  It's dark and I'm alone, scared, hurting, or whatever, and i need you."  Does he thrill at the sound of his children's voices call on Him to meet their needs?  Is He as honored as I was to take that little hand?  Even though I was the one comforting, I felt such comfort.
      I call my writings "musings' because I muse a lot.  Often when I am carrying in all thee bags of groceries, I marvel at my hands and particularly think of the usefulness of fingers.  My hands are very small and my fingers relatively short, yet I can carry about 6 of those plastic bags stuffed full.  What strength is in a hand?
     But there's so much strength in the hand besides the physical.  Someone taking your hand in the right time and place can impart romantic fireworks, comfort for the brokenhearted, encouragement for the weary, and bring peace and solace to a fragmented soul.  God again, shows Himself brilliant, as our Creator  He even made those fingernails which women use as artist's palettes.  Of course, hands have not escaped the notice of songwriters.  I certainly remember bouncing around the house as a teenager to "I wanna hold your hand."  And around that same era came, "Put your hand in the hand of the man who stilled the water.  Put your hand in the hand of the man who calmed the sea."
      In that most sacred event of marriage, the minister finally asks the couple to "join hands" and later the ever symbolic completed circle is placed on the finger of the hand.  Often we are asked to "lend a hand" or someone will say, "could you give me a hand?"  Jesus often "lent a hand."  Many times the touch of His hand carried healing such as with the blind man.  God's hands are mentioned a great number of times in scripture, especially His right hand.  Probably my favorite reference to His hands is the thought of being clay in the Potter's hands.  And then there's the scene where Peter walks on water and begins to sink  He cries out, "Lord, save me!"  Scripture says, "and immediately Jesus stretched out His hand and caught him." Oh, the times He does that for us and we don't even know it.  But thankfully there are times we do recognize that it is His hand who is holding ours.
   
   
   
   

“Let’s Talk About Me” : The Life of a Narcissist

     I thought the song by Toby Keith was very entertaining.  It begins:

           “We talk about your friends, and the places that you’ve been

            We talk about your skin and the dimples on your chin

            The polish on your toes and the run in your hose

            And God knows, we’re gonna talk about your clothes.

           You know talking about you makes me smile but every once in awhile

           I wanna talk about me, wanna talk about I, Wanna talk about number one

           Oh my me my, What I think, what I like, what I know, what I want, what I see,

           I like talking about you, you, you, you

           But occasionally, I wanna talk about me (me, me, me, me)

           I wanna talk about me (me, me).

For more, go to http://artists.letssingit.com/toby-keith-lyrics

      Narcissism seems to be showing up everywhere we turn.  Go figure.  In an age of such little true self-worth combined with high value on power, success, fastest, loudest, most expensive, we are truly set up for it.  So long ago, because Narcissus turned away from all his pursuing lovers, especially a beauty named Echo, an avenging goddess named Nemesis, cursed him by making him fall hopelessly in love with himself and especially his own handsome face.  And thus narcissism, the tendency to self-worship was birthed.  Common attributes include excessive ‘lots of things’:  self-absorption, self-centeredness, attention-seeking, excessive reaction to criticism, self-importance, grandiosity, and entitlement.  The emphasis here is on excessive.  These are people who are quite seductive to be around, often smart and early on, can make you feel great about yourself.  However, further in relationship, one will discover that they are always in control.  I call them the chess meisters.  They are the meister and you are the pawn on the board.  They hold the keys to the kingdom and you are slave to do the bidding.  In Toby Keith’s song, it is difficult to really distinguish which one of the parties is the narcissist.

  

      But let me be clear.  The lay definition is someone in love with themselves.  Clinically, this is not how we see it.  Clinically, we see the person with a narcissistic injury as someone who suffered rejection for who they were, early in life.  Therefore they are terrified of people seeing the real person inside, so they present the “more than” version and hope everyone is dazzled and entertained by the “false self.”  I said to one of my clients, “Imagine you have 7 rooms inside of you.  How many have you let your wife in?” He looked puzzled and immediately spilled out this answer,” Let her in?  I haven’t let her in.  I have nice rockers on my front porch and a great swing set in the back yard.  She isn’t coming inside the house.”  This leads to another discussion:  what it is like to be married on in a serious relationship (boss? father? mother?) with a narcissist.

       Being married to a narcissist can have tragic results.  However, this can be a slow process because in the beginning, you can be so charmed.  Your duty, however, is to constantly bring the “narcissistic supplies” to the over-significant other.  Eventually, the show will end, the lights will come on, and you will find yourself standing on the stage of life, worn out, needs unmet, with a tattered and torn self-worth.  You have listened, given, admired, applauded, sacrificed, and on and on it goes.  Because, you see, the un-recovered narcissist has serious holes in his soul.  Or her soul.   As the case may be.  And for the un-recovered, you are carrying buckets and buckets of water and pouring them into a sieve.  They are in addition, looking for symbiotic relationships: remember to mirror the narcissist, which means, thinking their thoughts, see what they see, hear what they hear, and feel what they feel.

  

     Can I take an aside to say that all untreated addicts and all individuals with diagnoses of antisocial, borderline, histrionic, and paranoid personality disorders will have all the symptoms of the narcissist.  It goes with the pain that will call for attention inside.  If you were to visit me and I had a migraine, I might nod in your direction, but the pain inside would be screaming for attention.  That is the case with all addictions.  

What to do?  Is there any hope?  Where would one start if one decided that he/she is a true narcissist?

One would have to risk stepping off the pedestal.  They would have to join the ordinary people of life.  They would have to begin paying attention , focusing on others.  Listening .  Being willing to let others have the limelight.  They would have to deal with the harsh judgments that reside inside.   They would have to dare to BE.  They would have to risk vulnerability.  They would have to do all these things to realize the sky didn’t fall.  

Wayne Muller in his book, Legacy of the Heart,  included a chapter on Grandiosity and Humility.  In that chapter he gives an exercise  he calls, “The Practice of Being Ordinary”.  Here are some parts of the exercise:  “Several times a day, wherever you are, take a moment to examine your relationship to the people around you.  Whether you are driving down the road, sitting in a meeting, in line at the supermarket, or with a group of friends, notice how you see yourself in relation to everyone else.  Do you feel special, somehow different from everyone else?  in what way?  Do you feel more intelligent, more complex, harder to understand?  are you more introspective, more sensitive, somehow deeper than everyone else in line at the bank?  Perhaps you feel more wounded, more insightful, or maybe you just feel you have more (or less) potential than every else.  Once you have examined the sensation of being “special,” take a moment to imagine the possibility that you may, in fact, be quite ordinary; that you are, in fact, nobody special. “  Imagine saying to the person next to you, “I am just like you.  We are exactly the same.” “ I am as ordinary as they come.”

       Muller suggests you ask yourself this question:  “What would I have to give up in order to be ordinary, to be just like everyone else?”  Great question!  Reminding ourselves that we are all made from the dust of the earth, the same clay, and to dust we will return, could be a great antidote to narcissistic thinking that sets us apart from others.  The narcissist has taken a life position of “I am NOT OK.”  He or she will compensate to cover this in inordinate ways.  And this always leads back to learning to accept oneself, learn to love oneself, in order to love others, a basic tenant of human relationships.

For more on this subject, here are some suggested readings:

Prisoners of Childhood,  Alice Miller

Transforming your Dragons, by Dr. Jose Stevens

Trapped in the Mirror, Dr.  Elan Golomb   

Legacy of the Heart, Wayne Muller

Run to the Roar

Run to the Roar

     I was introduced to this concept by my friend, John Cadwalader, several years ago when we were taking groups out on a ropes course.  It means, "Run into your fears, no away from them." I think sometimes we back away from situations so quickly and so automatically, we may not identify the culprit as fear.  There are conscious voices and subconscious voices influencing us, so some voices may be audibly heard like negative chatter in our brains.

     Obviously in many areas, we may be running into the roar in life.  After all, getting out of bed in the morning and brushing your teeth, can be an act of courage some days!  But here I am speaking of the myriad walls we hit, most of them small, but some rather large daunting walls.  Those of us who have been through the Encounter workshop have learned to ask, "What are the payoffs for backing away and what are the prices we are paying for backing away?"  We complete thoughts like, "If I do not change this behavior in my life, what I can expect is......" and "if I do change this behavior in my life , what I can expect is......"

     Al Siebert, Ph.D. writes in his book, The Survivor Personality, that the payoffs for having a negative attitude include:  attention, avoiding failure, it takes less energy, don't feel burdened by others problems, avoid responsibility for bad outcomes, and avoiding difficulty.  Wow! Sounds like the easy way out, doesn't it?  But if you look closely, this could be a narcissistic lonely life when you account for all the isolation it would entail.

     We have to constantly weigh things like, "How much do I want x?' I like us use a scale of 1 to 10 and declare it in my head.  Problem is, with some things, I have quit wanting x because climbing over the wall seems too daunting, so I just told myself that I didn't really want it.  I think they call that "self-sabatage", or better yet, "lying to yourself." I love this passage concerning hitting walls:

     "For You will light my lamp; the LORD my God will enlighten my darkness.  

      For by You I can run against a troop, with my God I can scale a wall." Psalm 18: 28-29

     So let's think about all those things we SAY we want:  to quit smoking, to quit drinking (so much!), to have a better job, to have more fun, to have more friends, to have a better marriage, to meditate more in God s word.  You see, running into the roar can mean thousands of different paths.  Running to the roar always always means we must summons courage, enter struggles, enter fears, and let go of some safe piece of ground that we call our comfort zon.e  I was so drawn to a passage in Uprising by Erwin McManus, titled "A Passion to live."  He says, "So many of us have abdicated our passions for obligations, as if passion is a luxury for the young, and we must all grow up on day.  We, even if reluctantly, fall into place to live a life of conformity what we describe as "maturity."  We've made acting like an adult synonymous with living apathetic lives."  Ouch!  What an indictment!

     I believe if we all pay attention to the many things we find ourselves backing away from, we will really be awakened.  And if we summons up the courage to move toward those things, I think our lives will change.  I think we will create a new experience for others, but importantly, we will experience ourselves in a different more powerful impacting way.  Try it.  I think you will be please with the results!