The Art of Self-Examination

The Art of Self-Examination
One must possess a certain degree of health to be able to face their own weaknesses and failures. Otherwise the self just collapses under the weight. May God help us to be able to have the eyes to see, the courage to explore, and the willingness to surrender our weak areas, what Alcoholics Anonymous calls our character defects. I did a year long internship for my masters at the L.I.F.E. program in Osprey, Florida. This amazing drug rehab program for young people 16 to 28 years old had the kids sitting at a table before bed each night doing a fearless moral inventory. They would examine their day which included thoughts, attitudes, and behaviors and write about these in their journals....every single night for 2 years.
The Big Book (manual for AA) states that “A business which takes no regular inventory usually goes broke. Taking a commercial inventory is a fact-finding and a fact-facing process. It is an effort to discover the truth about the stock-in-trade. One object is to disclose damaged or unsalable goods, to get rid of them promptly and without regret.” p. 64 It goes on to say “Putting out of our minds the wrongs others had done, we seolutely looked for our own mistakes. Where had we been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking and frightened? Though a situation had not been entirely our fault, we tried to disregard the other person involved entirely. Where were we to blame? The inventory was ours, not the other man’s. When we saw our faults we listed them. We placed them before us in black and white. We placed them before us in black and white.” p. 67
Be willing. Be courageous. Be honest. Be thorough. Ask for God’s help in the process. Awareness doesn’t change anything, but it points the way and tears down denial. Dr. Phil is always coming back to identifying what is not working. In the Encounter Training (see fullyaliveministries.org), the trainer is trying to get people first declare the kind of relationships they want and then examine attitudes and behavior to see if those are accomplishing what they say they want. Examine the results. Look at the fruit. I call it being a fruit inspector.
I used to wonder if it was possible to take a fearless moral inventory. Maybe it doesn’t really matter. What matters is our willingness to throw ourselves onto the Potter’s wheel, our trust in the Potter. So with that, I will share some of the Examen of Consciousness taken from the Benedictine literature I have so learned to appreciate:

*Have I been a good memory in anyone’s life today?
*Have the ears of my heart opened to the voice of God?
*Have the ears of my heart opened to the needs of my sisters and brothers?
*What do I know, but live as though I do not know?
*How have I affected the quality of this day?
*Is there anyone, including myself, whom I need to forgive?
*Have I worked with joy or drudgery?
*What is the one thing in my life that is standing on tip-toe crying, “May I have your attention please?”

Women Who Are Afraid to Love Enough

or....Women Who Struggle with Fears of Intimacy and the Lengths They Will Go To Avoid It

I have long considered the other side of the coin to Robin Norwood's book, Women Who Love Too Much. Her book addressed the dynamics of strong women attracting weak men. These women basically were addicted to a man's "potential." The faulty thought pattern went something like this: "If he just had a good woman by his side, he could get a better job, quit drinking, be a better father to his children. As the worm turns, the scenarios in the book never had this potential realized, so the female loved too much and the male didn't love enough.

Throughout the years, I've seen another recurring pattern that has a very different look and a very different thinking pattern. These are women with a vision for a traditional marriage but once in the marriage, they maneuver endlessly around the edges of intimacy. Often they struggle with their strong desires and natural passions before they say, "I do.' But once the "I do's" are done, their fears of intimacy surface big time, as unpredictably as a thief in the night.

Before marriage these fears are camouflaged because she is outside the circle of intimacy. There is an invisible internal map embedded on a chip in our hard drive coded with our ability to do closeness and distance. It is not until we are actually faced with this inner circle that the codes will show up. Yes, it will show up in a big way in marriage with avoidance of sex, a tangible flag flying that no one can miss, but that is just one symptom. She will always have a reason, endless rationalizations, and a parade of problems to be solved before she can be intimate. She must always keep something in the middle of the relationship and then "one day' when she has enough time, rest, passion, etc. she will grant this man entry into her vulnerable world. In face she does an amazingly intricate dance of avoidance in her life, hoping people will love her enough to join her in the denial and cover-ups, and when they won't, she will experience it as a betrayal.

this is one of the most difficult strongholds to break through. I believe it is constructed in the mind with the same building blocks as anorexic thinking patterns. Anyone coming to tear down this wall will be experienced as a threat, someone who just doesn't understand. I am not going into the deep dynamics here of the theories of attachment that explain the hardwiring, but suffice it to say that the fears run deep, covered with a thousand strategies to control. The outward cover is one of compliance but the internal driver is one of defiance, giving a "come here, go away" message that is crazy making.

Francis Frangipane (The Three Battlegrounds) defined a stronghold as a "house of thought." I believe he also said, a stronghold is something that has a strong hold on us. the woman who is ultimately afraid to love enough is imprisoned in her house of thought. The door knob is only on her side of the door. She alone must open the door. She has likely convinced herself that she doesn't really love her husband, she married too young or for the wrong reasons. So she is left with the belief, "of course, I could love. It's just that John or Harry or whomever is so this or that. Her fears construct an intricate system of denial and hold her husband hostage.

This subject will be continued over time, but suffice it to say, it takes a lot of courage to start to face the fear, but everything begins with the statement, "I have a problem". That statement alone begins to put up the white flag of surrender.......and an invitation to God to come in with answers.

Want to change something in your life?

I well remember Don Finto bending his knees one Sunday and holding out his hand in the position of a catcher, teaching us that we must position ourselves to receive the things we ask for. Positioning evidently counts. I want to think about this kind of positioning: that of the heart. To make a change in anything in my life, the most important question I can identify is, "What stance of heart would I need to commence to begin this change?" (STANCE: the attitude or position of a standing person; one's emotional or intellectual attitude or position) After all, if you want to change something, you must take a stand against something or for something. This question fits all sizes and shapes of change! If If I want to change a messy habit, address my overspending, overeating, overdrinking, overpleasing; If I want to read my Bible more, pray more; If I want to get up earlier and exercise, drink less caffeine, stop seating sugar; if I want to improve my relationship with my wife, husband, child, parent, friend..."What stance of heart would it take from me?"

Because the heart can be a divided heart it is important to explore the inner terrain. What parts are "for" the change, and what parts are pulling "against" it.? These wiley beasts can produce ambivalence thus diluting the concentrated efforts. The heart must be unified. All parts must buy in.

Because the heart can be selfish, lazy, stubborn, and in general narcissistic, these negative character defects need to be identified as well. Once acknowledged and confessed, we are ready to surrender and ask for God's healing and help.

Because the heart may have become a hard heart, we may have to ask god to apply some tenderizer. Sometimes there is a big "Do not enter" sign erected over the heart or a "Keep out" sign on the door of the heart. These are for protective measures of course: our provision of shields, walls, and bolts,, all the while protesting that we are lonely or isolated. God's application of tenderizer may include forgiveness, mercy, surrender, and grace in order to allow the light of love inside. But don't overlook the fact that being tenderized sometimes requires beating with a hammer-like tool. Some walls require a chisel.

So back to the examination: What stance of heart will be required to make a change in something that matters to you? I highly suggest that you don't let this question float around in generalities and get lost in the recesses and endless corridors of the brain. No. Get serious. Get pen and paper out and nail it. Write out a declaration of intent, then examine the heart and identify the stance it will take from you: "The stance of heart it will take from me to give up smoking is.....", "The stance of heart it will take for me to forgive my husband is....", and on and on. Then pray really hard for God to give you extra measures of this.

Are you willing to do whatever it takes? If not, then pray for willingness. Change needs to be happening for all of us as we become more like Jesus. Transformation is needed! It can happen so0ner than later if we lean into it!