The Art of Self-Examination

The Art of Self-Examination
One must possess a certain degree of health to be able to face their own weaknesses and failures. Otherwise the self just collapses under the weight. May God help us to be able to have the eyes to see, the courage to explore, and the willingness to surrender our weak areas, what Alcoholics Anonymous calls our character defects. I did a year long internship for my masters at the L.I.F.E. program in Osprey, Florida. This amazing drug rehab program for young people 16 to 28 years old had the kids sitting at a table before bed each night doing a fearless moral inventory. They would examine their day which included thoughts, attitudes, and behaviors and write about these in their journals....every single night for 2 years.
The Big Book (manual for AA) states that “A business which takes no regular inventory usually goes broke. Taking a commercial inventory is a fact-finding and a fact-facing process. It is an effort to discover the truth about the stock-in-trade. One object is to disclose damaged or unsalable goods, to get rid of them promptly and without regret.” p. 64 It goes on to say “Putting out of our minds the wrongs others had done, we seolutely looked for our own mistakes. Where had we been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking and frightened? Though a situation had not been entirely our fault, we tried to disregard the other person involved entirely. Where were we to blame? The inventory was ours, not the other man’s. When we saw our faults we listed them. We placed them before us in black and white. We placed them before us in black and white.” p. 67
Be willing. Be courageous. Be honest. Be thorough. Ask for God’s help in the process. Awareness doesn’t change anything, but it points the way and tears down denial. Dr. Phil is always coming back to identifying what is not working. In the Encounter Training (see fullyaliveministries.org), the trainer is trying to get people first declare the kind of relationships they want and then examine attitudes and behavior to see if those are accomplishing what they say they want. Examine the results. Look at the fruit. I call it being a fruit inspector.
I used to wonder if it was possible to take a fearless moral inventory. Maybe it doesn’t really matter. What matters is our willingness to throw ourselves onto the Potter’s wheel, our trust in the Potter. So with that, I will share some of the Examen of Consciousness taken from the Benedictine literature I have so learned to appreciate:

*Have I been a good memory in anyone’s life today?
*Have the ears of my heart opened to the voice of God?
*Have the ears of my heart opened to the needs of my sisters and brothers?
*What do I know, but live as though I do not know?
*How have I affected the quality of this day?
*Is there anyone, including myself, whom I need to forgive?
*Have I worked with joy or drudgery?
*What is the one thing in my life that is standing on tip-toe crying, “May I have your attention please?”

Women Who Are Afraid to Love Enough

or....Women Who Struggle with Fears of Intimacy and the Lengths They Will Go To Avoid It

I have long considered the other side of the coin to Robin Norwood's book, Women Who Love Too Much. Her book addressed the dynamics of strong women attracting weak men. These women basically were addicted to a man's "potential." The faulty thought pattern went something like this: "If he just had a good woman by his side, he could get a better job, quit drinking, be a better father to his children. As the worm turns, the scenarios in the book never had this potential realized, so the female loved too much and the male didn't love enough.

Throughout the years, I've seen another recurring pattern that has a very different look and a very different thinking pattern. These are women with a vision for a traditional marriage but once in the marriage, they maneuver endlessly around the edges of intimacy. Often they struggle with their strong desires and natural passions before they say, "I do.' But once the "I do's" are done, their fears of intimacy surface big time, as unpredictably as a thief in the night.

Before marriage these fears are camouflaged because she is outside the circle of intimacy. There is an invisible internal map embedded on a chip in our hard drive coded with our ability to do closeness and distance. It is not until we are actually faced with this inner circle that the codes will show up. Yes, it will show up in a big way in marriage with avoidance of sex, a tangible flag flying that no one can miss, but that is just one symptom. She will always have a reason, endless rationalizations, and a parade of problems to be solved before she can be intimate. She must always keep something in the middle of the relationship and then "one day' when she has enough time, rest, passion, etc. she will grant this man entry into her vulnerable world. In face she does an amazingly intricate dance of avoidance in her life, hoping people will love her enough to join her in the denial and cover-ups, and when they won't, she will experience it as a betrayal.

this is one of the most difficult strongholds to break through. I believe it is constructed in the mind with the same building blocks as anorexic thinking patterns. Anyone coming to tear down this wall will be experienced as a threat, someone who just doesn't understand. I am not going into the deep dynamics here of the theories of attachment that explain the hardwiring, but suffice it to say that the fears run deep, covered with a thousand strategies to control. The outward cover is one of compliance but the internal driver is one of defiance, giving a "come here, go away" message that is crazy making.

Francis Frangipane (The Three Battlegrounds) defined a stronghold as a "house of thought." I believe he also said, a stronghold is something that has a strong hold on us. the woman who is ultimately afraid to love enough is imprisoned in her house of thought. The door knob is only on her side of the door. She alone must open the door. She has likely convinced herself that she doesn't really love her husband, she married too young or for the wrong reasons. So she is left with the belief, "of course, I could love. It's just that John or Harry or whomever is so this or that. Her fears construct an intricate system of denial and hold her husband hostage.

This subject will be continued over time, but suffice it to say, it takes a lot of courage to start to face the fear, but everything begins with the statement, "I have a problem". That statement alone begins to put up the white flag of surrender.......and an invitation to God to come in with answers.

Want to change something in your life?

I well remember Don Finto bending his knees one Sunday and holding out his hand in the position of a catcher, teaching us that we must position ourselves to receive the things we ask for. Positioning evidently counts. I want to think about this kind of positioning: that of the heart. To make a change in anything in my life, the most important question I can identify is, "What stance of heart would I need to commence to begin this change?" (STANCE: the attitude or position of a standing person; one's emotional or intellectual attitude or position) After all, if you want to change something, you must take a stand against something or for something. This question fits all sizes and shapes of change! If If I want to change a messy habit, address my overspending, overeating, overdrinking, overpleasing; If I want to read my Bible more, pray more; If I want to get up earlier and exercise, drink less caffeine, stop seating sugar; if I want to improve my relationship with my wife, husband, child, parent, friend..."What stance of heart would it take from me?"

Because the heart can be a divided heart it is important to explore the inner terrain. What parts are "for" the change, and what parts are pulling "against" it.? These wiley beasts can produce ambivalence thus diluting the concentrated efforts. The heart must be unified. All parts must buy in.

Because the heart can be selfish, lazy, stubborn, and in general narcissistic, these negative character defects need to be identified as well. Once acknowledged and confessed, we are ready to surrender and ask for God's healing and help.

Because the heart may have become a hard heart, we may have to ask god to apply some tenderizer. Sometimes there is a big "Do not enter" sign erected over the heart or a "Keep out" sign on the door of the heart. These are for protective measures of course: our provision of shields, walls, and bolts,, all the while protesting that we are lonely or isolated. God's application of tenderizer may include forgiveness, mercy, surrender, and grace in order to allow the light of love inside. But don't overlook the fact that being tenderized sometimes requires beating with a hammer-like tool. Some walls require a chisel.

So back to the examination: What stance of heart will be required to make a change in something that matters to you? I highly suggest that you don't let this question float around in generalities and get lost in the recesses and endless corridors of the brain. No. Get serious. Get pen and paper out and nail it. Write out a declaration of intent, then examine the heart and identify the stance it will take from you: "The stance of heart it will take from me to give up smoking is.....", "The stance of heart it will take for me to forgive my husband is....", and on and on. Then pray really hard for God to give you extra measures of this.

Are you willing to do whatever it takes? If not, then pray for willingness. Change needs to be happening for all of us as we become more like Jesus. Transformation is needed! It can happen so0ner than later if we lean into it!

Judgments: If I had a hammer

I can simply state that all our thoughts and actions either move us toward another or away from another. Because of hurt and fear, we develop a host of savvy ways to protect our hearts and consequently one of the tools in our coping kit may be a "judging mind". The beauty and the beast of the judging mind is that it creates distance. It separates. It divides.

Judgments are placed from a one-up position. Becoming a judgmental adult often stems from the coping style of a dysfunctional family. A trademark of the dysfunctional family is the use of evaluative language. Loss and the grieving of that loss is always at the center of the dysfunctional family. And those living if grief are susceptible to depressive filters, filters that are negative and critical.

A title of a book years ago, was Hurt People Hurt People. I am not speaking here of a clear cut moral judgment, for there is good and evil on the earth. I am talking here about the thousand little negative critical opinions we can generate in our own need to feel in control. It is so easy to create a courtroom scene: the one on trial, the judge, the jury, the evidence. So beware of the thousands of possible adjectives that can describe someone in your head or out of your mouth.

Once these adjectives are spoken and ingrained as part of the story you tell in your head, they will become true to you. How convenient to build a box for someone and slap a label on it.

This is most deadly when it is your mate. There you can keep them locked in the box till death you part and give yourself justification for your coldness and distance. You can for justified for your "withholds". This is a great methodology for covering up fear of intimacy. Some people build boxes for everyone around them. They are the constant victim. Again, how convenient! You can stay safe and protected that way.

Years ago, my mentor in Florida, Dr. Stan Tsigounis, insisted in supervision that we speak something that was "right and good" before we offered one complaint. It is an incredible exercise to groom our eyes for what is right and good.

Panties in a Wad Syndrome: PIAW

I wish there were the right semantics to include men in this syndrome because they are plagued with the same dis-ease. Maybe they have BIAW: Briefs in a Wad. the syndrome can be activated from things like Nashville end-of-the-workday traffic, grocery store lines, soggy newspapers, lost keys, corporate phone lines, etc. In other words, any of life's daily glitches can set off PIAW syndrome.

The mental affect can be feelings of frustration, anger, helplessness, and general dis-ease. Physically, these triggers can set off an entire chain reaction: blood pressure rises, the adrenals begin dumping adrenaline, the brain is signaled to dump serotonin, norepinephrine, and any other stress chemicals it can find, not to speak of the mental angst and possible whininess. Spiritually the dis-ease is manifested in discontent, lack of peace, ingratitude, and that I-am-not-God feeling. You know that one: "Why can't the world work according to MY timetable, My needs and wants?"

Treatment for PIAW or BIAW syndrome includes 1) surrender upon awakening. This means resigning immediately from the God position and putting God back in charge of the universe. 2) become a student of the Serenity Prayer. Keep it on index cards in strategic places and keep working it into your soul like yeast. 3) Live as much as possible in the big picture: The bigger the picture, the smaller the "small stuff". 4) Accept the reality of humanity, accent on accept.

You will then live in the reality of the fallen world of frailty, flaws, brokenness, sometimes just full- on failure. 5) Develop practices around mercy, patience, and gratitude. Make a habit of talking about what is right and good. Thank people face to face or in written notes. 6) Say prayers of thanksgiving to God for holding the universe together, for principles as simple as gravity that holds your feet to the earth, air to breathe every time your lungs require it, water that comes directly through the pipes to your sink, sheets on the bed, forks, invention of the wheel, discovery of amazing medications, especially chemotherapy! Well, you get the idea.

So the next time you suffer from PIAW/BIAW , just un-wad, take a deep breath, choose a new perspective and readjust. Your body, your mind, your spirit, and those around you, will thank you for it.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can,

and the wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time;

accepting hardship as the pathway to peace. Taking as He did this sinful world as it is, not as I would

have it. Trusting that he will make all things right if I surrender to His will; that I may be

reasonably happy in life, and supremely happy with Him in the next. AMEN

LESSONS YOUR MARRIAGE CAN LEARN FROM THE TITANIC

The world has been fascinated with the Titanic long before the recent movie made its debut. In fact, Walter Lord's book A Night to Remember, has undergone 65 reprints. Several weeks ago we heard Jack Deere deliver a cutting-edge message at our church on the Titanic as a prophetic symbol for the church. You may easily extrapolate the basic message just upon hearing the subject matter.

However, since much of my life is given to another great institution called marriage, I could not but muse and mull for quite a while on the similarities between the gigantic ocean liner and many of the marriages I have encountered. One such tragedy is indelibly imprinted on my life, or I grew to personally care a great deal for this couple. In fact, they lived in a home and in the midst of a lifestyle that would be quite representative of a luxury liner. They had been married for nearly 35 years. For their entire married life this couple and their children, while they lived at home, were found on the church pew each Sunday morning. He, a leader in the church as well as in the business community, was a favored Sunday School teacher. She was a fervent student of the Bible and could sharpen her Biblical sword with the best of them.

She had another kind of sword in her arsenal as well. It was her tongue. This tongue could be sweet as honey, quite full of wit, yet could whip out some of the most cutting, biting remarks I've ever heard. And the main one on the receiving end of this sharp sword was her husband. Her critical eye rarely missed a thing about him--his tie, his shoes, his car, how he spent his time, how he did his work, how he sat, where he sat, and the list seemed to be endless. I guess he felt that way. After a multitude of warnings, begging, counseling with professionals and the pastor, suddenly the ship sunk. She arrived after a Bible study one morning, and there on the dressing table in the bedroom lay a piece of paper: "I love you and always have, but I can't live like this any longer. You can have everything. All I want is peace." And as she looked around, everything of his was gone as if he had never existed. Her world crumbled. Suddenly everything was clear, but it was too late. No chance for further discussion. No chance to renegotiate. No time for I'm sorry.

At 11:00 p.m. when Jack Phillips received the seventh warning from the Californian stating, "Say, old man, we are stopped dead in a field of ice," he radioed back, "Shut up, shut up," and went back to communicating frivolous messages from passengers to their friends and relatives on shore. Phillips had sent the first five messages regarding "a field of ice" ahead to higher ranking officers, but they were totally ignored, so he ignored the sixth and final warning. After all, "the ship was unsinkable."

What made the four-block-long ship unsinkable? The main argument made for this seemed to be its sixteen compartments which could be shut off individually. The ship could sustain water in the first four compartments and still stay afloat. No one could imagine an object large enough to hit all four. The iceberg, however, towered 100 feet above the water and 800 feet below. It managed to cut a gash in the first six compartments. I believe couples are deceived the same way. After all, there are many compartments that would seemingly sustain the "marriage ship"--the vows taken in the presence of witnesses and God, the children, friends and family, joint finances, church relationships, memories of Christmas, vacations, on and on.

Believe me, I have seen marriages be able to take some really hard hits--infidelity, abuse, and the list goes on--and still stay afloat. But I've seen that no marriage is unsinkable and that a relationship can only sustain so much damage. One should not be so naive as to think that just because it survived a really bad swounding, it will keep on surviving more and more damage. Not all marriages end in overt divorce, you will notice. Some die a quiet, unnoticeable death.

One could say that pride sunk the Titanic. Everything seems to lead back to that culprit. Even the fact that there were no binoculars aboard seems to be traceable to pride. Who could imagine that on this oceanliner, Frederick Fleet, the lookout perched in the Crow's Nest, had made a request for a pair of binoculars! Someone felt so cushy and secure that this provision which would appear to be a necessity was, in fact, not provided. In my musing on this subject, I keep hearing, "You have eyes to see, but you do not see. You have ears to hear, yet you do not hear." How many wives and husbands have, in fact, tried over and over to explain a particular area of dissatisfaction, only to have a gesture of change made, a mere tap of the little finger on the table of life.

I so believe that marriage is a garden to be tended, especially in our day and time. Maybe Albert and Etherl who lived out on the farm and were concerned about getting the crops planted and having shoes for the kids weren't facing the troubled waters marriages face today. There was a day and time where Etherl probably wasn't going anywhere even if Albert never said, "I love you," or even kissed her goodnight. That era is bygone. Proactivity is the only course open to those who want to strengthen and thrive. Binoculars. Wow! Do you have some? A man told me last week that he should have gone to a marriage seminar every six months, should have read some of those books that his wife kept bringing home, should have gone tot he classes offered at the church on relationships . . . but . . . well, you know the PRIDE word. The sixth compartment may have been hit. Time will tell if it's too late.

And then the end of the story--the lack of adequate lifeboats, only enough for 1,178, only half enough. In the fury, only 28 were in the first boat that held 68 passengers. Only 12 in another one. What a disaster! Unlike the Titanic, the children are the ones left on the sinking ship of divorce. Sometimes a wife or husband. . . while one is so selfish that he or she jumps into the lifeboat and leaves the others on the ship. But in my experience, the children are always left on the ship. They are, without fail, the victims.

Urgency. Vision. Humility. An equipped lookout. Eyes to see. Ears to hear. Diligence. All around us the messages are coming, "Say, old man, we are stopped dead in a field of ice." Are you apathetically throwing the messages away? I hope not.