or....Women Who Struggle with Fears of Intimacy and the Lengths They Will Go To Avoid It
I have long considered the other side of the coin to Robin Norwood's book, Women Who Love Too Much. Her book addressed the dynamics of strong women attracting weak men. These women basically were addicted to a man's "potential." The faulty thought pattern went something like this: "If he just had a good woman by his side, he could get a better job, quit drinking, be a better father to his children. As the worm turns, the scenarios in the book never had this potential realized, so the female loved too much and the male didn't love enough.
Throughout the years, I've seen another recurring pattern that has a very different look and a very different thinking pattern. These are women with a vision for a traditional marriage but once in the marriage, they maneuver endlessly around the edges of intimacy. Often they struggle with their strong desires and natural passions before they say, "I do.' But once the "I do's" are done, their fears of intimacy surface big time, as unpredictably as a thief in the night.
Before marriage these fears are camouflaged because she is outside the circle of intimacy. There is an invisible internal map embedded on a chip in our hard drive coded with our ability to do closeness and distance. It is not until we are actually faced with this inner circle that the codes will show up. Yes, it will show up in a big way in marriage with avoidance of sex, a tangible flag flying that no one can miss, but that is just one symptom. She will always have a reason, endless rationalizations, and a parade of problems to be solved before she can be intimate. She must always keep something in the middle of the relationship and then "one day' when she has enough time, rest, passion, etc. she will grant this man entry into her vulnerable world. In face she does an amazingly intricate dance of avoidance in her life, hoping people will love her enough to join her in the denial and cover-ups, and when they won't, she will experience it as a betrayal.
this is one of the most difficult strongholds to break through. I believe it is constructed in the mind with the same building blocks as anorexic thinking patterns. Anyone coming to tear down this wall will be experienced as a threat, someone who just doesn't understand. I am not going into the deep dynamics here of the theories of attachment that explain the hardwiring, but suffice it to say that the fears run deep, covered with a thousand strategies to control. The outward cover is one of compliance but the internal driver is one of defiance, giving a "come here, go away" message that is crazy making.
Francis Frangipane (The Three Battlegrounds) defined a stronghold as a "house of thought." I believe he also said, a stronghold is something that has a strong hold on us. the woman who is ultimately afraid to love enough is imprisoned in her house of thought. The door knob is only on her side of the door. She alone must open the door. She has likely convinced herself that she doesn't really love her husband, she married too young or for the wrong reasons. So she is left with the belief, "of course, I could love. It's just that John or Harry or whomever is so this or that. Her fears construct an intricate system of denial and hold her husband hostage.
This subject will be continued over time, but suffice it to say, it takes a lot of courage to start to face the fear, but everything begins with the statement, "I have a problem". That statement alone begins to put up the white flag of surrender.......and an invitation to God to come in with answers.
