I can simply state that all our thoughts and actions either move us toward another or away from another. Because of hurt and fear, we develop a host of savvy ways to protect our hearts and consequently one of the tools in our coping kit may be a "judging mind". The beauty and the beast of the judging mind is that it creates distance. It separates. It divides.
Judgments are placed from a one-up position. Becoming a judgmental adult often stems from the coping style of a dysfunctional family. A trademark of the dysfunctional family is the use of evaluative language. Loss and the grieving of that loss is always at the center of the dysfunctional family. And those living if grief are susceptible to depressive filters, filters that are negative and critical.
A title of a book years ago, was Hurt People Hurt People. I am not speaking here of a clear cut moral judgment, for there is good and evil on the earth. I am talking here about the thousand little negative critical opinions we can generate in our own need to feel in control. It is so easy to create a courtroom scene: the one on trial, the judge, the jury, the evidence. So beware of the thousands of possible adjectives that can describe someone in your head or out of your mouth.
Once these adjectives are spoken and ingrained as part of the story you tell in your head, they will become true to you. How convenient to build a box for someone and slap a label on it.
This is most deadly when it is your mate. There you can keep them locked in the box till death you part and give yourself justification for your coldness and distance. You can for justified for your "withholds". This is a great methodology for covering up fear of intimacy. Some people build boxes for everyone around them. They are the constant victim. Again, how convenient! You can stay safe and protected that way.
Years ago, my mentor in Florida, Dr. Stan Tsigounis, insisted in supervision that we speak something that was "right and good" before we offered one complaint. It is an incredible exercise to groom our eyes for what is right and good.
Margaret, this is a great lesson you have shared-thank you! Love the new blog!
ReplyDeleteGood word, Margaret!
ReplyDeleteThanks Margaret! Lo\/e the blog!!
ReplyDeleteFor me, this is a hot topic, as it came up in my Al-Anon meeting, in a recent Francis Frangipane article, in Suzanne's Blest to Rest and in my own bible study, all within the last week! Thank you for starting the blog, Margaret.
ReplyDelete