Marriage: The Third Entity

Marriage:  The Third Entity

     For many years I have been teaching the concept of marriage as the Third Entity. I see the individuals as the first and second entities and the marriage as something separate and apart, yet together.  By separating out the marriage entity, we can have a better grasp on the care and nurturing of it.  This third entity must be fed, watered, and fertilized, handled with care, in order to thrive.

     Two challenges are inherent in the care of the marriage:  one is to beat it to death with arrows of criticism, cutting deeply into it’s heart, with sharp words and negativity and dissatisfaction.  The other would be to neglect it all together, too busy with other things to ever feed it. Two sides of the coin: abuse and neglect.  Both can lead to its death.

     Take John and Debbie for instance.  He had a big golf hobby so whenever there were some hours on Saturday and Sunday, he was always looking for a way to romance the ‘greens’.  He also never failed to to the annual getaway with the guys when they went to a tournament.  Debbie was enmeshed with her mom who was her best friend.  She really didn’t mind the time John spent at the golf course because she and mom spent that time shopping together.  They loved their girl time.  She and mom and a couple of mom’s friends had an annual trip to the beach every year without fail.  They did occasionally have a date night but were sure to include other couples.  And John had great times talking with the guys about the latest teams.

     Or take Dan and Betty.  Dan was a homebody.  He was a TV sports buff to the hilt. He spent his Saturdays in front of the TV watching college football all fall and Sundays watching the pros.  Then there was basketball.  Then there was baseball.  Betty was occupying herself with her little girls.  They were involved in dance which was a girl thing anyway, so it turned out pretty convenient.  When Dan wanted to go to a game with the guys, she always had things to do with the girls.They neglected the third entity, telling themselves that everything was fine and they would get around to their marriage needs later. They became snappy with each other and had less and less interest in sex.

      From the altar, with all the love and dreams and hopes, to the slow distancing of life as roommates, really doesn’t take that long.  Happens with one decision after another.  Easy breezy.  Actually in this culture, it is the easier path, with so much knocking on the doors of the coupes time and attention.  In fact, if we had nothing more than Facebook friends and internet, the 3rd Entity would be at risk with some couples.  Have you noticed that simple structures like a meal together, going to bed at the same times, have become major challenges for most couples and families?  Well, I have.  I notice it every single day in my office.  Why am I pleading with couples to go to bed 4 times a week at the same time, have pillow talk, snuggle 10 minutes? Hmmmm..... maybe because I am desperately trying to turn the divorce statistics around.

     I am currently rereading The Principle of the Path:  How to Get from Where You Are to Where You Want to Be.  The principle is so simple, you really want to smack yourself in the head like the V8 commercial.  If you say you want to go to New York and you keep finding yourself headed toward Florida, turn the car around.  He also points to the principle of the harvest:  you reap what you sow.  To ensure the survival of the marriage, it just plainly requires time and attention.  You have to care for it, give it time and attention!  In fact, I would say it is either growing together or growing apart because it won’t just stay neutral.  You could try taking it’s pulse, temperature, check out it’s vitals.  

     I pray that you do some kind of assessment.  Ask some questions: Do I feel closer or more distant from my mate today than a year ago, than 5 years ago?  How often are we ‘dating’?  How is our sex life....routine and dull, or producing some fireworks?  How often do we look each other in the eye and say, “ I love you.”  “I really really love you.” How are my sweet little notes and random cards reflecting my love?  How much thought am I giving to the needs of my mate?  Do I know the challenges of their work, friends, family? What is the condition of our 3 fold cord, the one wrapped with God and prayer?   The information could be lifesaving.

      If your marriage was a plant, it would come with instructions for care.  Why don’t you and your mate sit down together and take 30 minutes to construct such an instruction card.  What would it take to keep this plant alive, growing, and blooming?  

      There is more to follow.....this is the first installment. More to come!