Scarcity to Abundance

 Margaret Phillips, M.S.       Soaring Christian Counseling           Spiritual   Transformation

Scarcity to Abundance

     Jesus upon hearing of the death of John the Baptist, leaves by boat to go to a deserted place.  But multitudes followed him on foot. When he arrives he finds a multitude of people there “and when He saw them, He was moved with compassion and began healing the sick.”  The disciples began to realize how late it was, they were in a deserted area, and suggested that Jesus send the people back to villages so they could find food to eat.

      He says something that just sounds strange: “They do not need to go away.  You give them something to eat.”  So they begin to search and all they can find is a young boy with 5 loaves and 2 fishes.  

      This story is striking in so many ways.  Instead of Jesus being irritated that the crowds had followed Him, He was “filled with compassion.” And when a need arose, instead of running around in a panic,  He declared in essence,  the need could be met.  No surprise that Jesus was full of faith.

      I think of these as Red Sea moments: those times when it appears that we do not have what is called for.  I have put this in a category called the mentality of scarcity:  when it doesn’t seem I have enough.  One thing I love from the teachings of our beloved pastor emeritus at Belmont Church, Don Finto,  is his admonition to us to “not look with these eyes” and he would point to his fleshly eyes”.  “But” , he would go on to say, “look with spiritual eyes.” 

Now that takes some training at the spiritual gym.  

     So I set out on this course for a year:  to change my mind from a mentality of scarcity to abundance.  For six months, I would practice saying to myself, “I am enough.  My God is enough. And I have enough resources for what is needed.”  Then I took it up a notch for the following six months, practicing in my mind, “I am more than enough.  My God is more than enough.  And I have more than enough resources for what is needed.”  I find that in order to change a mental pattern, I have to work it in like yeast.....over and over and over.

      I really got drawn into this “rewiring” through my professional work with anxiety and fear patterns.  The basic root system of obsessive compulsive thinking is fear around three issues:  dirt, time, and money.  Dirt can represent contamination or it can represent disdain for disorganization. In other words, the need to bring order to one’s disordered world.  So on the top layer is the manifestation of obsessive compulsive behaviors OR thoughts.  The next layer down would be perfectionism.  The layer beneath that would be anxiety. The layer beneath that would be fear and at the bottom (the root), we would find unbelief.

     These issues can be rooted in physical deprivation in people’s history.  But they can also be rooted in emotional deprivation.  The lack of nurturance.  The lack of nutrients.  

      But I love a little saying that went around in the ’70’s.  It is God speaking and He says, “ I love you, but I love you too much to leave you that way.”    So may God love us that much AND may we love ourselves that much:  not just dealing with our flesh patterns, but actually asking God to change and transform our patterns.

      And I see this transformation as a two-way street.  This thought always takes me to the Potter’s Wheel.  It is a picture in my mind that occurs when I identify my own flesh patterns.  I say to myself, “Back to the wheel!”.  I picture myself as a lump of clay and I am flinging my clay back to the wheel.  I hear the “whrrrr, whrrrr, whrrr” of the wheel in my ears and I ask God to take off those rough edges, smooth them off.  Make me into a more useful vessel.  My part is the surrender.  My part is yielding to His gentle hands as He presses and imprints.  His hands are doing the pressing.  

        Sometimes I need to change my patterns from fear to faith.  Sometimes it is to switch from condemnation and judgment to compassion, sometimes scarcity to abundance.  The key is in recognizing when my pattern is toxic and not aligned with the transformed self.  Surrender.  Lean in.  And do it over and over.

        “”let the whole world see and know that things which were 

          cast down are being raised up, and things which had grown 

          old are being made new, and that all things are being brought

          to their perfection by him through whom all things were made,

          your Son Jesus Christ our Lord.”

                                                              from the Book of Common Prayer

Marriage: The Third Entity

Marriage:  The Third Entity

     For many years I have been teaching the concept of marriage as the Third Entity. I see the individuals as the first and second entities and the marriage as something separate and apart, yet together.  By separating out the marriage entity, we can have a better grasp on the care and nurturing of it.  This third entity must be fed, watered, and fertilized, handled with care, in order to thrive.

     Two challenges are inherent in the care of the marriage:  one is to beat it to death with arrows of criticism, cutting deeply into it’s heart, with sharp words and negativity and dissatisfaction.  The other would be to neglect it all together, too busy with other things to ever feed it. Two sides of the coin: abuse and neglect.  Both can lead to its death.

     Take John and Debbie for instance.  He had a big golf hobby so whenever there were some hours on Saturday and Sunday, he was always looking for a way to romance the ‘greens’.  He also never failed to to the annual getaway with the guys when they went to a tournament.  Debbie was enmeshed with her mom who was her best friend.  She really didn’t mind the time John spent at the golf course because she and mom spent that time shopping together.  They loved their girl time.  She and mom and a couple of mom’s friends had an annual trip to the beach every year without fail.  They did occasionally have a date night but were sure to include other couples.  And John had great times talking with the guys about the latest teams.

     Or take Dan and Betty.  Dan was a homebody.  He was a TV sports buff to the hilt. He spent his Saturdays in front of the TV watching college football all fall and Sundays watching the pros.  Then there was basketball.  Then there was baseball.  Betty was occupying herself with her little girls.  They were involved in dance which was a girl thing anyway, so it turned out pretty convenient.  When Dan wanted to go to a game with the guys, she always had things to do with the girls.They neglected the third entity, telling themselves that everything was fine and they would get around to their marriage needs later. They became snappy with each other and had less and less interest in sex.

      From the altar, with all the love and dreams and hopes, to the slow distancing of life as roommates, really doesn’t take that long.  Happens with one decision after another.  Easy breezy.  Actually in this culture, it is the easier path, with so much knocking on the doors of the coupes time and attention.  In fact, if we had nothing more than Facebook friends and internet, the 3rd Entity would be at risk with some couples.  Have you noticed that simple structures like a meal together, going to bed at the same times, have become major challenges for most couples and families?  Well, I have.  I notice it every single day in my office.  Why am I pleading with couples to go to bed 4 times a week at the same time, have pillow talk, snuggle 10 minutes? Hmmmm..... maybe because I am desperately trying to turn the divorce statistics around.

     I am currently rereading The Principle of the Path:  How to Get from Where You Are to Where You Want to Be.  The principle is so simple, you really want to smack yourself in the head like the V8 commercial.  If you say you want to go to New York and you keep finding yourself headed toward Florida, turn the car around.  He also points to the principle of the harvest:  you reap what you sow.  To ensure the survival of the marriage, it just plainly requires time and attention.  You have to care for it, give it time and attention!  In fact, I would say it is either growing together or growing apart because it won’t just stay neutral.  You could try taking it’s pulse, temperature, check out it’s vitals.  

     I pray that you do some kind of assessment.  Ask some questions: Do I feel closer or more distant from my mate today than a year ago, than 5 years ago?  How often are we ‘dating’?  How is our sex life....routine and dull, or producing some fireworks?  How often do we look each other in the eye and say, “ I love you.”  “I really really love you.” How are my sweet little notes and random cards reflecting my love?  How much thought am I giving to the needs of my mate?  Do I know the challenges of their work, friends, family? What is the condition of our 3 fold cord, the one wrapped with God and prayer?   The information could be lifesaving.

      If your marriage was a plant, it would come with instructions for care.  Why don’t you and your mate sit down together and take 30 minutes to construct such an instruction card.  What would it take to keep this plant alive, growing, and blooming?  

      There is more to follow.....this is the first installment. More to come!

     

       

Favorite Sayings from the Tradition of Twelve- Step Programs

              Favorite Sayings from the Tradition of 

                     Twelve- Step Programs

     "Courage is fear that has said its prayers."

     "Live in the solution."

      "Learn to live life on life's terms."

      "It works if you work it (the program)."

  

      "Are you willing to go to any length for what you want?"

     "Half measures availed us nothing."

     "Act as if......"

      "One day at a time....."

      "Do the next right thing."

     "Keep it simple."

     "Procrastination is fear in 5 syllables."

     "Life begins right outside your comfort zone."

     "Sobriety is living in a one day reprieve."

     "Take care of your body.  Where else are you going to live?"

     "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I     can and the wisdom to know the difference."

     "If Nothing Changes, Nothing Changes."

Principles of Nonharm/Nonviolence Applied to Marriage and Relationships

  margaret's musings on....the Principles of Nonharm/Nonviolence Applied to Marriage and Relationships

     I have been trying now for 25 years to convince premarital  couples that one of their purposes in marriage is to be part of the "healing" to the holes in the souls of their partners.  I try to persuade them in the concepts of nonharm, to become Jesus' hands, feet, and voice, to their mate.  My rationale says that people have been hurt enough by the time they get to us, so can we just commit not to rip and tear and gouge their wounds, but be part of the healing balm in their lives?  It is found in the Biblical principle of letting our words and actions edify (build up) each other rather than tearing down?

Though not a perfect man, but a fallen human, Martin Luther King, Jr. has long held a place of honor in my heart as he put forth and lived by a central principle:  nonviolence and 'nonviolent resistance."  The core of his teaching was the power of love as a change agent.  He believed it to be the most influential change agent.  There were 6 pivotal points to his philosophy:

      1.  The stance of nonharm is courageous, requiring emotional and spiritual strength to "stand" against injustice.

      2.  The person taking the stance of nonharm seeks to understand his oppressor, not to shame him.

      3.  the nonviolent person keeps focus on the inherent evil, not the person or people who do evil.

      4.  Nonviolent resistance commits to accept suffering without retaliation.

      5.  God is always on the side of truth and will ultimately bless those on the side of truth.

     6.  And the central point is that love can conquer bitterness and hatred.

Years before King's philosophy was articulated, the words to "Were You there When They Crucified My Lord" were sung by a group of American blacks to Gandhi, setting off an internal explosion in his own soul.  At the end, he said:  "Perhaps it will be through the Negro that the unadulterated message of nonviolence will be delivered to the world."  For Gandhi, the philosophy of "ahimsa" did not mean mere peacefulness of the absence of nonviolence, but was used to denote active love. Gandhi believed that ahimsa is the most powerful force in existence.

   

     This all seems consistent to the greatest teacher ever on the earth.  Jesus:  "and now abide faith, hope, love, these three, but the greatest of these is love.'  And the words of John ring out, "He who loves his brother abides in the light, and there is no cause for stumbling in him."  In the famous Sermon on the Mount, Jesus says, "But I say to you who hear:  love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, and pray for those who spitefully use you.  To him who strikes you on the one cheek, offer the other also.  And from him who takes away your cloak, do not withhold your tunic either."  What a radical teaching!

     My focus right not is not necessarily on taking the path of nonviolence in the face of oppression.  My focus is on taking the stance of nonharm and nonviolence, "active love" if you will, with those we are in relation, especially marriage.  What would nonharm look like in marriage:  It would be the opposite of active harm for sure.  Active harm is cutting, biting words.  It is gouging with sharp sarcasm, it is mocking, it is calling attention to weakness.  It is shaming.  it is intimidating, being forceful, and threatening.  It is screeching out of the driveway.  passive harm, which is more often the "Christian" way, is cold and withholding.  It might be silence, silence that I call quiet violence.  it might be ignorming, walking away, and shutting down.

      God's legacy of one of longsuffering, tender love (read Song of Solomon), pursuit, serving (taking up the towel), amazing love and amazing love.  Even the physicians take the Hippocratic oath which includes the heart of nonharm.  So the encouragement is , when in relationship, dedicate yourself to be a blessing, not a curse.  It is not a cure, but a way of life.

     

The Beatles Revisited:  I Want to Hold Your Hand

     Sometimes if we are awake enough,  profound lessons can be found in the simplest of acts.  One night several of the grandchildren were spending the night in the camper out back with Granddaddy (otherwise known as Gary).  But one of the little guys, Isaiah (over 6 feet tall now!), had a stomach ache and he wanted to sleep with me in the house.  He tossed and turned and I consoled till the wee hours of the morning.  I had drifted off for a little while, when about 3 a.m. I felt this small poke and heard this sweet little voice say, "GoGo, can we hold hands?"  I took his hand in mine, but he adjust his hand until we had interlocked hands finger by finger.
      Those were simple words, yet an invitation to a king's banquet would not have birthed so much delight.  The invitation that spoke without speaking.  It's dark. I'm alone.  I hurt.  So would you join me?  I need you.  Let's touch, because if your big hand will take hold of my little hand, then we'll lay here together.....connected....and that will make me feel better."
     I couldn't help but wonder, is God moved to that extent and that deeply when we say, "God, can we hold hands?  It's dark and I'm alone, scared, hurting, or whatever, and i need you."  Does he thrill at the sound of his children's voices call on Him to meet their needs?  Is He as honored as I was to take that little hand?  Even though I was the one comforting, I felt such comfort.
      I call my writings "musings' because I muse a lot.  Often when I am carrying in all thee bags of groceries, I marvel at my hands and particularly think of the usefulness of fingers.  My hands are very small and my fingers relatively short, yet I can carry about 6 of those plastic bags stuffed full.  What strength is in a hand?
     But there's so much strength in the hand besides the physical.  Someone taking your hand in the right time and place can impart romantic fireworks, comfort for the brokenhearted, encouragement for the weary, and bring peace and solace to a fragmented soul.  God again, shows Himself brilliant, as our Creator  He even made those fingernails which women use as artist's palettes.  Of course, hands have not escaped the notice of songwriters.  I certainly remember bouncing around the house as a teenager to "I wanna hold your hand."  And around that same era came, "Put your hand in the hand of the man who stilled the water.  Put your hand in the hand of the man who calmed the sea."
      In that most sacred event of marriage, the minister finally asks the couple to "join hands" and later the ever symbolic completed circle is placed on the finger of the hand.  Often we are asked to "lend a hand" or someone will say, "could you give me a hand?"  Jesus often "lent a hand."  Many times the touch of His hand carried healing such as with the blind man.  God's hands are mentioned a great number of times in scripture, especially His right hand.  Probably my favorite reference to His hands is the thought of being clay in the Potter's hands.  And then there's the scene where Peter walks on water and begins to sink  He cries out, "Lord, save me!"  Scripture says, "and immediately Jesus stretched out His hand and caught him." Oh, the times He does that for us and we don't even know it.  But thankfully there are times we do recognize that it is His hand who is holding ours.
   
   
   
   

“Let’s Talk About Me” : The Life of a Narcissist

     I thought the song by Toby Keith was very entertaining.  It begins:

           “We talk about your friends, and the places that you’ve been

            We talk about your skin and the dimples on your chin

            The polish on your toes and the run in your hose

            And God knows, we’re gonna talk about your clothes.

           You know talking about you makes me smile but every once in awhile

           I wanna talk about me, wanna talk about I, Wanna talk about number one

           Oh my me my, What I think, what I like, what I know, what I want, what I see,

           I like talking about you, you, you, you

           But occasionally, I wanna talk about me (me, me, me, me)

           I wanna talk about me (me, me).

For more, go to http://artists.letssingit.com/toby-keith-lyrics

      Narcissism seems to be showing up everywhere we turn.  Go figure.  In an age of such little true self-worth combined with high value on power, success, fastest, loudest, most expensive, we are truly set up for it.  So long ago, because Narcissus turned away from all his pursuing lovers, especially a beauty named Echo, an avenging goddess named Nemesis, cursed him by making him fall hopelessly in love with himself and especially his own handsome face.  And thus narcissism, the tendency to self-worship was birthed.  Common attributes include excessive ‘lots of things’:  self-absorption, self-centeredness, attention-seeking, excessive reaction to criticism, self-importance, grandiosity, and entitlement.  The emphasis here is on excessive.  These are people who are quite seductive to be around, often smart and early on, can make you feel great about yourself.  However, further in relationship, one will discover that they are always in control.  I call them the chess meisters.  They are the meister and you are the pawn on the board.  They hold the keys to the kingdom and you are slave to do the bidding.  In Toby Keith’s song, it is difficult to really distinguish which one of the parties is the narcissist.

  

      But let me be clear.  The lay definition is someone in love with themselves.  Clinically, this is not how we see it.  Clinically, we see the person with a narcissistic injury as someone who suffered rejection for who they were, early in life.  Therefore they are terrified of people seeing the real person inside, so they present the “more than” version and hope everyone is dazzled and entertained by the “false self.”  I said to one of my clients, “Imagine you have 7 rooms inside of you.  How many have you let your wife in?” He looked puzzled and immediately spilled out this answer,” Let her in?  I haven’t let her in.  I have nice rockers on my front porch and a great swing set in the back yard.  She isn’t coming inside the house.”  This leads to another discussion:  what it is like to be married on in a serious relationship (boss? father? mother?) with a narcissist.

       Being married to a narcissist can have tragic results.  However, this can be a slow process because in the beginning, you can be so charmed.  Your duty, however, is to constantly bring the “narcissistic supplies” to the over-significant other.  Eventually, the show will end, the lights will come on, and you will find yourself standing on the stage of life, worn out, needs unmet, with a tattered and torn self-worth.  You have listened, given, admired, applauded, sacrificed, and on and on it goes.  Because, you see, the un-recovered narcissist has serious holes in his soul.  Or her soul.   As the case may be.  And for the un-recovered, you are carrying buckets and buckets of water and pouring them into a sieve.  They are in addition, looking for symbiotic relationships: remember to mirror the narcissist, which means, thinking their thoughts, see what they see, hear what they hear, and feel what they feel.

  

     Can I take an aside to say that all untreated addicts and all individuals with diagnoses of antisocial, borderline, histrionic, and paranoid personality disorders will have all the symptoms of the narcissist.  It goes with the pain that will call for attention inside.  If you were to visit me and I had a migraine, I might nod in your direction, but the pain inside would be screaming for attention.  That is the case with all addictions.  

What to do?  Is there any hope?  Where would one start if one decided that he/she is a true narcissist?

One would have to risk stepping off the pedestal.  They would have to join the ordinary people of life.  They would have to begin paying attention , focusing on others.  Listening .  Being willing to let others have the limelight.  They would have to deal with the harsh judgments that reside inside.   They would have to dare to BE.  They would have to risk vulnerability.  They would have to do all these things to realize the sky didn’t fall.  

Wayne Muller in his book, Legacy of the Heart,  included a chapter on Grandiosity and Humility.  In that chapter he gives an exercise  he calls, “The Practice of Being Ordinary”.  Here are some parts of the exercise:  “Several times a day, wherever you are, take a moment to examine your relationship to the people around you.  Whether you are driving down the road, sitting in a meeting, in line at the supermarket, or with a group of friends, notice how you see yourself in relation to everyone else.  Do you feel special, somehow different from everyone else?  in what way?  Do you feel more intelligent, more complex, harder to understand?  are you more introspective, more sensitive, somehow deeper than everyone else in line at the bank?  Perhaps you feel more wounded, more insightful, or maybe you just feel you have more (or less) potential than every else.  Once you have examined the sensation of being “special,” take a moment to imagine the possibility that you may, in fact, be quite ordinary; that you are, in fact, nobody special. “  Imagine saying to the person next to you, “I am just like you.  We are exactly the same.” “ I am as ordinary as they come.”

       Muller suggests you ask yourself this question:  “What would I have to give up in order to be ordinary, to be just like everyone else?”  Great question!  Reminding ourselves that we are all made from the dust of the earth, the same clay, and to dust we will return, could be a great antidote to narcissistic thinking that sets us apart from others.  The narcissist has taken a life position of “I am NOT OK.”  He or she will compensate to cover this in inordinate ways.  And this always leads back to learning to accept oneself, learn to love oneself, in order to love others, a basic tenant of human relationships.

For more on this subject, here are some suggested readings:

Prisoners of Childhood,  Alice Miller

Transforming your Dragons, by Dr. Jose Stevens

Trapped in the Mirror, Dr.  Elan Golomb   

Legacy of the Heart, Wayne Muller

Run to the Roar

Run to the Roar

     I was introduced to this concept by my friend, John Cadwalader, several years ago when we were taking groups out on a ropes course.  It means, "Run into your fears, no away from them." I think sometimes we back away from situations so quickly and so automatically, we may not identify the culprit as fear.  There are conscious voices and subconscious voices influencing us, so some voices may be audibly heard like negative chatter in our brains.

     Obviously in many areas, we may be running into the roar in life.  After all, getting out of bed in the morning and brushing your teeth, can be an act of courage some days!  But here I am speaking of the myriad walls we hit, most of them small, but some rather large daunting walls.  Those of us who have been through the Encounter workshop have learned to ask, "What are the payoffs for backing away and what are the prices we are paying for backing away?"  We complete thoughts like, "If I do not change this behavior in my life, what I can expect is......" and "if I do change this behavior in my life , what I can expect is......"

     Al Siebert, Ph.D. writes in his book, The Survivor Personality, that the payoffs for having a negative attitude include:  attention, avoiding failure, it takes less energy, don't feel burdened by others problems, avoid responsibility for bad outcomes, and avoiding difficulty.  Wow! Sounds like the easy way out, doesn't it?  But if you look closely, this could be a narcissistic lonely life when you account for all the isolation it would entail.

     We have to constantly weigh things like, "How much do I want x?' I like us use a scale of 1 to 10 and declare it in my head.  Problem is, with some things, I have quit wanting x because climbing over the wall seems too daunting, so I just told myself that I didn't really want it.  I think they call that "self-sabatage", or better yet, "lying to yourself." I love this passage concerning hitting walls:

     "For You will light my lamp; the LORD my God will enlighten my darkness.  

      For by You I can run against a troop, with my God I can scale a wall." Psalm 18: 28-29

     So let's think about all those things we SAY we want:  to quit smoking, to quit drinking (so much!), to have a better job, to have more fun, to have more friends, to have a better marriage, to meditate more in God s word.  You see, running into the roar can mean thousands of different paths.  Running to the roar always always means we must summons courage, enter struggles, enter fears, and let go of some safe piece of ground that we call our comfort zon.e  I was so drawn to a passage in Uprising by Erwin McManus, titled "A Passion to live."  He says, "So many of us have abdicated our passions for obligations, as if passion is a luxury for the young, and we must all grow up on day.  We, even if reluctantly, fall into place to live a life of conformity what we describe as "maturity."  We've made acting like an adult synonymous with living apathetic lives."  Ouch!  What an indictment!

     I believe if we all pay attention to the many things we find ourselves backing away from, we will really be awakened.  And if we summons up the courage to move toward those things, I think our lives will change.  I think we will create a new experience for others, but importantly, we will experience ourselves in a different more powerful impacting way.  Try it.  I think you will be please with the results!

The Power of Focus

Thank goodness that everywhere I have been, there have been the sights and sounds of Christmas constantly before me. It helps me focus on "the reason for the season." I have contemplated the journey of Jesus from the wooden manger to the wooden cross, how joyous was his coming with angels on high celebrating and how tragic his death with loved ones mourning. And then the resurrection with victory finally ours and HIs.

I have chosen this season to do an advent reading each night before going to bed to support my mind to keep this priority. But actually, that is my challenge every day: to remember why I am here and what it is all about. Like a sheep, I am drawn to the next little patch of grass, forgetting for the moment that I was on a journey foll0wing the Good Shepherd .

I pray that as the manger scene takes place in my heart day after day, as Christ is born afresh, that He will not be aborted in my heart, nor that He will be stillborn, but that He will be birthed and made known through my life. My favorite passage for Christmas is Galatians 4:19: Paul laboring in birth "until Christ is formed in you". Making room in our "inn", clearing a space, for the formation of Christ, must be a conscious, daily, intentional choice. So let it be.

The Extraordinary

There I sat in a sanctuary, listening to the choir, amidst the beauty of stained glass and cathedral-like ceilings. The voices sang of the beauty of baby Jesus from everyone's perspective: heavenly hosts, visitors, shepherds, parents. No matter who took note of the moment, each beheld Him in awe and wonder. A Savior was born, and oh, how we needed One.

Somewhere in all that, I saw in my mind's eye, people in their homes surrounding the scene and those walking by outside, minding their everyday dailiness, unmindful of the extraordinary taking place in the ordinary. some in fact, most, were not aware that a miracle was taking place.....that God was actually being birthed on the earth...than an amazing miracle was happening in a wooden manger....one day leading to a wooden cross. Yes, a Savior was born, and oh, how we needed One.

And then I saw us, you and me, in our everyday dailiness and wondered if miracles were happening in our very midst as we walk on our roads or sit in our houses or sleep in our beds....and that we too are unaware....of God's continued hands touching the earth. Heaven still touching earth in miraculous ways....

It was a comforting contemplation...the miracle of god reaching down, touching hearts to birth grace, love, forgiveness, hope, and other life-giving forces....right in our midst and sometimes right inside our own hearts.

Inner Conversations

There was a little boy named Ruller found in the Flannery O'Connor's short story The Turkey.

Nothing he tried seemed to work. As is common to man, he yearned to be a hero and a conqueror, and this would of course lead to the accolades of his family. But every time he gave himself the luxury of this fantasy, he would be taunted by the skeptic within. The skeptic thinker conjured up a tyrannical and sinister God, setting up a bar just out of reach and getting His pleasure of watching Ruller reach for it and miss. This God was capricious, punitive, and ultimately one who set us up to lose.

The most interesting part of the story for me was not his outer conversation but his inner one. Come to think of it, this is probably the most interesting part of all of our conversations: the inner one. For there resides the entire committee: all the parts, bantering, running their commentary, taunting questioning, justifying. This is where the demons battle it out. This is also where God's spirit comforts, quickens, and admonishes with Truth. For the inner world is uncensored, but the outer world for most of us, is both monitored and censored.

Ruller's inner conversation reveals so much of his magical thinking about God: the punitive God ("God will probably make me chase that turkey all afternoon for nothing.", the benevolent God telling Ruller, "You were mighty generous", the God looking for the best performer (He knows for a fact God will send him a turkey. Because he is an unusual child, he interests God.").

Often these sound bites of magical thinking reflect our projections from experiences with authority figures. They reflect those who have had the power to give and the power to take away, based on our performance. But maybe, if we hold out our jujubeads and shake them just right, we can fend off the severe God a little longer. The problem is in our wiring. Two wires to be exact: a black one and a white one. I am good when I do X and bad when i do Y. I am loved and worth of approval when I am good and I am worth of nothing but punishment when I do Y

Breennan Manning says that "it takes a profound conversion to accept that God is relentlessly tender and compassionate toward us just as we are, not in spite of our sins and faults, but with them. Though God does not condone or sanction evil, He does not withhold His love because there is evil in us." Back to the wiring, my woundedness distorts my hearing. God says "I love you" and I evaluate the wrong thing. I evaluate me with my own punitive eye and come up short every time through the good/bad grid. Henri Nouwen in The Return of the Prodigal Son writes: "Often I am like a small boat on the ocean, completely at the mercy of its waves. All the time and energy I spend in keeping some kind of balance and preventing myself from being tipped over and drowning shows that my life is mostly a struggle for survival: not a holy struggle, but an anxious struggle resulting from the mistaken idea that it is the wold that defines me. As long as I keep running about asking: "Dod you love? do you really love me?", I give all the power to the voices of the world and put myself in bondage because the world is filled with ifs. The world says: "Yes, I love you if you are good-looking, intelligent, and wealthy. I love you if you have a good education, a good job, and good connections. I love you if you produce much, sell much, and buy much." There are endless ifs hidden in the world's love.

The discrepancy between the standard and our ability to it is an early revelation. We can't even sit still in church as children. We find over and over that putting the spontaneous "me" into the picture causes trouble. If tenderized, our hearts develop a penitent attitude. Hopefully and wistfully, just maybe our "I'm sorries" will bridge the gap of failure. The dilemma is formed: what to do to get rid of such pain. There are two basic avenues. There is the lookin' good mode clothed in overachievement and the hiding mode clothed in invisibility. Either one drives us out of the present moment and dispurses our lives into past and future. When we are busy with apologies and plagued with self-doubt, there is literally N0 One Home to experience the event. If no spontaneous responses are allowed, that leaves only the mechanical ones.

Who will save us from the dreaded plight? There is certainly a moment of surrender. Living this way is maddening. An initation of this house of distorted mirrors has been issued. We have been invited to and live in the king's palace. One there desires to adopt us and make us an heir, invites us to sit at the big banquet table, dressed as we are. You can spill your milk and still be loved. Is it too good to be true? No, it's true. "For I am persuaded that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.' Rom 8: 38-39

Maturity, Seasoning, and Growth

I want to muse on maturity: its marks, its, fruit, and its desirability. I wish I were there....hmmm..but I could wish for a million dollars. However, there may only be one way to get there: exercise. Yes, not just joining the Y, but actually going there, picking up the weights and working out. A tree yields fruit "in its season." A tree planted by the rivers of water takes on distinctive marks over time. In later years, it is strong and tall, not easily uprooted. Here are my top 10 markers:

1. Maturity chooses a response, instead of reacting. It chooses according to a value system that is deeply entrenched.

2. Maturity has a balance between love of God, love of self, and love of others. It is not self-absorbed.

3. Maturity has the ability to see the big picture.

4. Maturity is secure enough to be wrong. Therefore it exhibits a lack of defensiveness.

5. Maturity has the capacity to truly celebrate other's victories.

6. Maturity can be passionate without being phrenetic. The mind governs emotions.

7. Maturity can make distinctions in situations. It contains one of those large boxes of 64 crayons, not just 2: a black and a white.

8. Maturity is grounded in reality. (See "Who Moved My Cheese?")

9. Maturity has God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit on the throne and not self. Wisdom begins with the fear of the Lord.

10. Maturity is able to deal with disappointments and delayed gratification.

Intentional Seed Sowing

I am a seed.

I look small and lifeless, but inside of me is a

Mysterious powerful indwelling LIFE.

When I meet soil, water, and light,

It's as though a resurrection happens.

For there, in the soil, as I lie still,

I am not dormant, but

Busy, incubating life within.

Add some water and some warmth and the

Miracle happens.

My favorite place to be be sown is in the human heart.

I can lie still literally for years but

When mixed with the water of tears and

The warmth of love,

I will provide a resurrection experience.

A sun rise experience.

A new birth experience.

So do not grow faint-hearted or weary.

Sow your seeds of kindness, compassion, faithfulness,

Love and mercy.

Sow abundantly, not sparingly,

For a packet of seeds costs so little.

But when you visit the heart-garden overunning,

You will be amazed.

Journey

Wish I knew who deserved credit for this: "If as Herod, we fill our lives with things, and again with things, if we consider ourselves so unimportant that we must fill every moment of our lives with action, when will we have time to make the long slow journey across the desert as did the magi, or sit and watch the stars as did the shepherds, or brood over the coming of the child as did Mary? For each one of us there is a desert to travel, a star to discover and a being within ourselves to bring to life."

Making Space in the HeartHouse

Spring seems to be the time to give the house a thorough cleaning. I am sure you have done it: "spring cleaning". But the truth is, our emotional house, the heart, could use a good cleaning out also. Nothing like a good trip to the garbage dump carrying away the junk that has been accumulated in our hearts. We could even have a "soulish garage sale". Actually, on second thought, we might want to ditch that idea because most of the hoarded things in the heart certainly should not be sold to anyone else, even for the cheapest of prices. No, we have to take a trip to the garbage dump.

We could go through the heart closets and rooms, and search for the rotten resentments, horrible hurts, grungy grudges, and crumpled up injustices. Hmmmm....the rooms to our hearts may be barricaded with all sorts of things for fear of feeling that hurt again. Work, work, work. Also need to check around for some loosened morals, twisted up values, and messed up priorities that sneaked in during the year and took up residence. We would do well to invite God on this search and find mission since the heart is deceitful. It takes a prayerful

attitude, one of humility, to embark on this kind of search.

The reason I thought a "fall cleaning" would be helpful is first of all to make room for the possibilities of bringing in newfound thanksgiving into our hearts. Not just the lip service kind but the heartfelt celebratory kind. So as Thanksgiving comes our way, we could have room in the heart closets for bringing in the many gifts that have come our way and truly truly be grateful.

Then just behind Thanksgiving, we have the whole season of Christmas absolutely running over with gifts for us to store somewhere in the hearthouse. All kinds of love, joy, peace, and good will toward men in beautiful packages, ours for the taking, if only we have room for it.

Also we have the possibilities of storing away some newfound hope as we sing the themes of new birth and anticipation. Anticipation of the new things that will fill our drawers and closets, accent our rooms, will make the work easy. So grab the brooms, the dustcloths, and maybe even the dreaded plastic gloves, and go after it!

Love As a Shock-Absorber

Here it is: confession time. I have found myself to be way too much a perfectionist to be a real blogger. I have to write, research, edit, etc which is quite time consuming so.....I am going to try something new....just the tidbits of my musings. So how about, I just try some ramblings. The idea I have been chewing on for 3 or 4 days is that love serves as a shock absorber in all relationships, but particularly I am thinking about marriage. When the fantasy wears off, there will absolutely be a period of disillusionment. I like to call this the "slippery slope" of disillusionment. Truth is, if you don't intercept it and begin to embrace reality, your relationship will end.

One day I was driving down the road recently, having a debate in my head about evolution. I had just had a session teaching a client about some of the intricacies of the brain. The brain always proves to me there was an intelligent designer. But on that day, I began thinking about man with emotions. A wide array of feelings I might add. I even saw a documentary on wolves where the alpha wolf came to a precipice every day for weeks howling after his "wife" had died.

Maybe a rock after millions of years could possibly turn into a toad (still impossible! how did the inanimate object start to breathe and have a beating heart? give me a break!). But if the rock that turned into the toad really happened, not only did it breathe and have a pulse, it also had feelings? It began to love and be disappointed, etc?

Okay, the emotion of love, which no scientists can seem to quantify in the lab, is an amazing phenomenon. The emotion of love is so strong that Jesus went to the cross because of it. For God so loved the world that He gave his only Son.

When love is present in a relationship, the basic irritations are just that: irritating, frustrating, but they are absorbed in the big picture of "BUT I love you/him/her." Love absorbs it. This is the 1st Corinthians passage. Love keeps no count of wrong.

There are some things that can stop love in it's tracks however. One is a critical judgmental

filter. That would be a negative filter to clarify. One that blames and finds fault. Another thing is an oversensitive spirit. This one is easily hurt, feels abandoned, rejected, overlooked, left out, etc. and I can guarantee this one is linked to the script of the past. Unforgiveness can be a block to love. It can harbor and harbor till the infection in the wound turns to gangrene. Nasty stuff.

If you need more love, go to the eternal well. God is love. A fruit of the spirit is love. Love is there for the asking if you need more. As long as you can pick fruit, it is on the tree. Why pick just a little? Get a whole basket full. If you are living with another human, you will need it. Love is a shock absorber! to be continued.....

What's it all about, Alfie?

Well it is quite early morning and life has been hectic upon returning from vacation. The vacation was one of those rare vacations where we actually vacated. So reentry is like going from 1st gear to 4th in one fell swoop for all those who learned to drive a stick shift. (I learned on a stick to drive my VW beetle at 16 and only tore out one set of gears in the process).

I had a lot of walking, thinking, meditating and praying time while I was gone. One of the things I sought was "What is the message I have for the world? What specifically drives my passion?"

I was taken back to a reality I discovered in my 30's. One day I was flipping through an old family album and came across a picture of myself at 12 years old. It was an out of body experience, observing myself from 3rd person stance, seeing this pathetic little girl. The thought instantly went through my head, "You look like an orphan". Upon further examination, I realized for the first time, I had been orphaned through the death of my mother at 10 years old. She was very very ill for a year before she died and I have realized lately I really lost her when she went to surgery the first time and received the diagnosis of melanoma. From that time, I began my adult life, cutting my own hair, giving my own perms, and by 15 began making my own clothes. I also began taking care of all, I mean all, of my own needs: physically, spiritually, and emotionally.

So all that to say, knowing what it is to lose a parent, I have had this unquenched desire to see families stay intact. I have had a driving passion for people to reconcile. I have had a drive to get people together, love each other, have fun. The "more the merrier" has truly been my theme. Another driver inside is to let people know how amazing, how loving, how intricately involved, is our God. This too is sourced in the time of agonizing over my mother's illness and finally her death.

A lot of you have heard me talk about our house in those days being filled with people: round the clock nurses, my mother's parents and siblings, women from the church. It was a SMALL little house. So the only place to be alone was the one tiny bathroom in the house.

Daily I tucked my little New Testament under my shirt and made a visit to God. I would get on my knees, place the Bible on the toilet seat....not an ornate throne room experience but it became holy ground to me. There I would read scriptures to God....I would read Him His promises to me. I would hold out my two small hands and say, "You promised if I asked for bread you would not give me a stone. Just in case You are confused, God, my mother living is

bread (hold out my left hand) , her dying is a stone (hold out my right hand)." We had constant conversations because no one in the house talked to me about the thing on my heart. They all tried to keep me distracted, keep me happy. I don't blame them. It was all they knew back in 1958 and 59.

The point is "Where else could I go, but to the Lord?" as the old song says. It was me and God in the foxhole and I was sparing nothing. Raw and real gut honest conversations. He entered my struggle. He was there every inch of the way and I know that He cried with me when she died. I want everybody to know God. I want everybody to wrestle with Him, to climb on His lap, to KNOW Him in the fullest most intimate way. He is the best friend in the world.

Did he save my mother from death? No. Was I angry and disappointed? Oh my goodness, you wouldn't want to hear those conversations. But He took it. And He didn't run from my hot anger. I know He wept and His heart was as wrenched as mine.

So I have my "drivers", my inner firehose, defined on at least 2 points. These 2 things have pretty much defined everything. I daydreamed of a large family, Walton style. I had a real relationship with God and wanted it for others. When we first moved to Freetown, Sierra Leone, we were in an upstairs apartment with a balcony. Masses of people passed below on the street. I would weep as they passed by because I wanted every one of them to know God and his Son Jesus. I wanted it so badly, I would literally cry.

I want you to love and be loved. I want you to know God and know Him intimately. I do believe He can tell all of us at any given moment how many hairs are on our sweet heads. Amen and Amen.

"Bookending" Your Day

margaret's musings on.....Bookending Your Day

As any American knows, bookends hold things together and keep them from falling apart: In this case, books. So when I talk about bookending your day, I am trying to find ways to keep the day held together. Even with our best efforts, the day can surely unravel, but here is my recommendation.

Begin the day with a prayer of surrender. Give up running the day before you start. My own practice has been to face the morning sun with a chalice in hand, first greeting the day with thanksgiving and recognizing God deliberately decided that we we have another day on this earth. What we decide to do with it is up to us. I then offer it back to Him. I tip my chalice over and offer to pour out my agendas as best I can, then hold the glass up , asking Him to fill it as He will. Sometimes I ask for certain things to fill it but submit my asking back to Him.

David said, "My voice You shall hear in the morning, O LORD; In the morning I will direct it to YOU, and I will look up." (Psalm 5: 3) Jean-Pierre de Caussade says "There is no spiritual path more secure than that of giving yourself entirely to God." (The Joy of Full Surrender) I am sure that is true. However, I am a very long way from full surrender. Do you remember singing, "All to Jesus I surrender.....all to Him I freely give" ? It was an aspiration, never attained, but sought. Mary replied to the angel, "let it be with me according to your word" (Luke 1:38)

I recommend the other end of the day, before retiring, be "bookended" with a list or a prayer of gratitude. Stop and recognize the provision that has been made throughout the day. Look for God's fingerprints on your life. Note the twists and turns of the day, any surprises that came, good or bad, any kind word or touch that came your way. Look for the tangible provisions of food, clothing, shelter that were blessings of the day.

Gratitude brings a perspective of fullness and abundance. We really need this stance of heart because as affluent as we are, America is plagued with an attitude of scarcity. I read a book several years ago titled "Affluenza" which is written on the premise of our culture metaphorically displaying the symptoms of affluenza, the "flu": congested, running a temperature, achy, upset stomach, feeling weak. The practice of daily gratitude, simple as it sounds, is a great antidote to affluenza. If you are struggling for the words, you might just open to the Psalms and pray along with David.

He was masterful at his words of gratitude.

The important part is establishing practices that keep our "books from falling off the shelf", practices that hold our lives together in the midst of so much pressure and stress. Let me "bookend" this musing with a couple lines from Watchman Nee in Table in the Wilderness...The January 11th reading is from Habakkuk 3:18: "Yet I will rejoice in the lord, I will joy in the God of my salvation." He says you may give yourself to God and then find everything going badly wrong. But we have to persist. "Then day by day let us go on giving to Him, not finding fault with His methods, but accepting His handling of us with praise and expectation."

Wanting, Longing, and Yearning

I have been doing a lot of reading lately on attachment theories. even going back to Harry Harlow's experiments with rhesus monkeys. He constructed a wire "mother" with a face (but no eyes or features) and a nipple through which monkeys could be fed and a terry cloth "mother" with a face with eyes and a nipple that delivered milk also. The eight infant monkeys clung to the cloth mother 16 to 18 hours a day, even though she gave zero nurturing responses. It makes me think of a practicum I did in graduate school spending time with children in foster care. There were some little boys I visited every week in a beautiful brick home hosted by a set of loving foster parents. Each week when I would be alone with the boys, they would seize the opportunity to beg me to find a way to get them back with their mother. The boys had been discovered in a home with a mom totally out of it on crack, feces everywhere inside the house and out. This was a non-responsive "terry cloth mother", but they yearned and longed for her. She was indeed , as I call it, "home base".

Disruption of attachment, a nice anesthetic label, for a broken relationship, has profound consequences in our lives. Death, overworking, betrayal. Hmmm. There are many ways to disrupt attachment. Our yearning, however, for something to cling to is indelibly imprinted on our souls. It is the source of much if not all, addiction. I know a lot firsthand about disruption of attachment. The dark night of the soul was for me on November 15, 1959, when my mother was finally set free from the prison cancer had created for her body. My home base slipped out to sea, like the ball in Tom Hanks life when he was alone on the island. One of my friends who lost his mother at 12, slipped into his mother's chest of drawers the night of her death, and found a nightgown that he took and hid in his bed in a desperate attempt to hold on to something. I wish I had had the presence of mind to think of that.

Then comes the big dilemma: shall I attach again? Shall I risk being hurt again. To love is to lose (sometimes, many times). Do I want to go through it again? But if I don't, what will I do with the wants, the longings, and the yearnings. How will I live with their silent screams? The hunger of the soul becomes ravenous, unbearable, like trying to hold your breath. My grandmother told me the story of going away to boarding school when she was 12 and being so homesick, she literally wanted to die, so she would hold a pillow over her mouth as long as she could, until finally she would have to take a breath. Is it better to live without connection and passion than living with the pain and fear of loss? Dan Allender refers to this as the "complex web or desire and defense, of longing and contempt" (The Wounded Heart).

Wretched people that we are! Who will save us from such a pit? Enter God. Go ahead. Taste and see that the Lord is good. We are always moving toward or away from. If you are standing still, you are moving "away from". Disruption of attachment yields all these mixed signals inside:" you want, you need, move closer", but the other side is saying, "No, please don't take me there, I don't want to hurt again." People on the outside are recipients of these push-pull messages. "Now you see me. Now you don't." They can be caught in a game of hide and seek that they didn't sign up for. Connect. Disconnect. Crazy-making!! Irwin Kula, in his book, Yearnings, applauds the great Biblical characters when he says,"there isn't a single character who understood beforehand the outcome of any journey he or she underwent. What makes these characters so special is not that they are somehow superhuman, wiser, or more evolved. It's that they don't scale down their dreams to the size of their fears. They are masters of the dance between uncertainty and certainty."

Jesus says "Come. Move toward." Sounds good. But oops, sounds painful. Dare I trust again? What is all this talk about a "personal relationship with Jesus"? Relationship you say?

This subject always leads me back to C.S. Lewis' statement: "Love anything and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to not one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully around with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket safe, dark, motionless, airless it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy is damnation. The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbation of love is Hell. I believe that the most lawless and inordinate loves are less contrary to God's will than the self-invented and self-protective lovelessness."

Oh, God. We need your healing of our shattered hearts. We do not have the courage to try again. So we come to you, asking you to give us the faith, the courage, the sheer ability to love, to connect, not just a little here and there, but fully with abandon. We repent of contriving our myriad ways of self-protection, of making our own provisions. We repent for bowing to the god of fear and even being afraid to taste and see if you are really trustworthy. We need, we want, we desire, and we can't stop. Please meet us in that place, provide a bridge for us to walk across....to YOU. And then, as our hearts are healed, provide the planks in the bridge for us to walk across to meet our fellow human beings, our mates, our children.

The Art of Self-Examination

The Art of Self-Examination
One must possess a certain degree of health to be able to face their own weaknesses and failures. Otherwise the self just collapses under the weight. May God help us to be able to have the eyes to see, the courage to explore, and the willingness to surrender our weak areas, what Alcoholics Anonymous calls our character defects. I did a year long internship for my masters at the L.I.F.E. program in Osprey, Florida. This amazing drug rehab program for young people 16 to 28 years old had the kids sitting at a table before bed each night doing a fearless moral inventory. They would examine their day which included thoughts, attitudes, and behaviors and write about these in their journals....every single night for 2 years.
The Big Book (manual for AA) states that “A business which takes no regular inventory usually goes broke. Taking a commercial inventory is a fact-finding and a fact-facing process. It is an effort to discover the truth about the stock-in-trade. One object is to disclose damaged or unsalable goods, to get rid of them promptly and without regret.” p. 64 It goes on to say “Putting out of our minds the wrongs others had done, we seolutely looked for our own mistakes. Where had we been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking and frightened? Though a situation had not been entirely our fault, we tried to disregard the other person involved entirely. Where were we to blame? The inventory was ours, not the other man’s. When we saw our faults we listed them. We placed them before us in black and white. We placed them before us in black and white.” p. 67
Be willing. Be courageous. Be honest. Be thorough. Ask for God’s help in the process. Awareness doesn’t change anything, but it points the way and tears down denial. Dr. Phil is always coming back to identifying what is not working. In the Encounter Training (see fullyaliveministries.org), the trainer is trying to get people first declare the kind of relationships they want and then examine attitudes and behavior to see if those are accomplishing what they say they want. Examine the results. Look at the fruit. I call it being a fruit inspector.
I used to wonder if it was possible to take a fearless moral inventory. Maybe it doesn’t really matter. What matters is our willingness to throw ourselves onto the Potter’s wheel, our trust in the Potter. So with that, I will share some of the Examen of Consciousness taken from the Benedictine literature I have so learned to appreciate:

*Have I been a good memory in anyone’s life today?
*Have the ears of my heart opened to the voice of God?
*Have the ears of my heart opened to the needs of my sisters and brothers?
*What do I know, but live as though I do not know?
*How have I affected the quality of this day?
*Is there anyone, including myself, whom I need to forgive?
*Have I worked with joy or drudgery?
*What is the one thing in my life that is standing on tip-toe crying, “May I have your attention please?”

Women Who Are Afraid to Love Enough

or....Women Who Struggle with Fears of Intimacy and the Lengths They Will Go To Avoid It

I have long considered the other side of the coin to Robin Norwood's book, Women Who Love Too Much. Her book addressed the dynamics of strong women attracting weak men. These women basically were addicted to a man's "potential." The faulty thought pattern went something like this: "If he just had a good woman by his side, he could get a better job, quit drinking, be a better father to his children. As the worm turns, the scenarios in the book never had this potential realized, so the female loved too much and the male didn't love enough.

Throughout the years, I've seen another recurring pattern that has a very different look and a very different thinking pattern. These are women with a vision for a traditional marriage but once in the marriage, they maneuver endlessly around the edges of intimacy. Often they struggle with their strong desires and natural passions before they say, "I do.' But once the "I do's" are done, their fears of intimacy surface big time, as unpredictably as a thief in the night.

Before marriage these fears are camouflaged because she is outside the circle of intimacy. There is an invisible internal map embedded on a chip in our hard drive coded with our ability to do closeness and distance. It is not until we are actually faced with this inner circle that the codes will show up. Yes, it will show up in a big way in marriage with avoidance of sex, a tangible flag flying that no one can miss, but that is just one symptom. She will always have a reason, endless rationalizations, and a parade of problems to be solved before she can be intimate. She must always keep something in the middle of the relationship and then "one day' when she has enough time, rest, passion, etc. she will grant this man entry into her vulnerable world. In face she does an amazingly intricate dance of avoidance in her life, hoping people will love her enough to join her in the denial and cover-ups, and when they won't, she will experience it as a betrayal.

this is one of the most difficult strongholds to break through. I believe it is constructed in the mind with the same building blocks as anorexic thinking patterns. Anyone coming to tear down this wall will be experienced as a threat, someone who just doesn't understand. I am not going into the deep dynamics here of the theories of attachment that explain the hardwiring, but suffice it to say that the fears run deep, covered with a thousand strategies to control. The outward cover is one of compliance but the internal driver is one of defiance, giving a "come here, go away" message that is crazy making.

Francis Frangipane (The Three Battlegrounds) defined a stronghold as a "house of thought." I believe he also said, a stronghold is something that has a strong hold on us. the woman who is ultimately afraid to love enough is imprisoned in her house of thought. The door knob is only on her side of the door. She alone must open the door. She has likely convinced herself that she doesn't really love her husband, she married too young or for the wrong reasons. So she is left with the belief, "of course, I could love. It's just that John or Harry or whomever is so this or that. Her fears construct an intricate system of denial and hold her husband hostage.

This subject will be continued over time, but suffice it to say, it takes a lot of courage to start to face the fear, but everything begins with the statement, "I have a problem". That statement alone begins to put up the white flag of surrender.......and an invitation to God to come in with answers.