Scarcity to Abundance

 Margaret Phillips, M.S.       Soaring Christian Counseling           Spiritual   Transformation

Scarcity to Abundance

     Jesus upon hearing of the death of John the Baptist, leaves by boat to go to a deserted place.  But multitudes followed him on foot. When he arrives he finds a multitude of people there “and when He saw them, He was moved with compassion and began healing the sick.”  The disciples began to realize how late it was, they were in a deserted area, and suggested that Jesus send the people back to villages so they could find food to eat.

      He says something that just sounds strange: “They do not need to go away.  You give them something to eat.”  So they begin to search and all they can find is a young boy with 5 loaves and 2 fishes.  

      This story is striking in so many ways.  Instead of Jesus being irritated that the crowds had followed Him, He was “filled with compassion.” And when a need arose, instead of running around in a panic,  He declared in essence,  the need could be met.  No surprise that Jesus was full of faith.

      I think of these as Red Sea moments: those times when it appears that we do not have what is called for.  I have put this in a category called the mentality of scarcity:  when it doesn’t seem I have enough.  One thing I love from the teachings of our beloved pastor emeritus at Belmont Church, Don Finto,  is his admonition to us to “not look with these eyes” and he would point to his fleshly eyes”.  “But” , he would go on to say, “look with spiritual eyes.” 

Now that takes some training at the spiritual gym.  

     So I set out on this course for a year:  to change my mind from a mentality of scarcity to abundance.  For six months, I would practice saying to myself, “I am enough.  My God is enough. And I have enough resources for what is needed.”  Then I took it up a notch for the following six months, practicing in my mind, “I am more than enough.  My God is more than enough.  And I have more than enough resources for what is needed.”  I find that in order to change a mental pattern, I have to work it in like yeast.....over and over and over.

      I really got drawn into this “rewiring” through my professional work with anxiety and fear patterns.  The basic root system of obsessive compulsive thinking is fear around three issues:  dirt, time, and money.  Dirt can represent contamination or it can represent disdain for disorganization. In other words, the need to bring order to one’s disordered world.  So on the top layer is the manifestation of obsessive compulsive behaviors OR thoughts.  The next layer down would be perfectionism.  The layer beneath that would be anxiety. The layer beneath that would be fear and at the bottom (the root), we would find unbelief.

     These issues can be rooted in physical deprivation in people’s history.  But they can also be rooted in emotional deprivation.  The lack of nurturance.  The lack of nutrients.  

      But I love a little saying that went around in the ’70’s.  It is God speaking and He says, “ I love you, but I love you too much to leave you that way.”    So may God love us that much AND may we love ourselves that much:  not just dealing with our flesh patterns, but actually asking God to change and transform our patterns.

      And I see this transformation as a two-way street.  This thought always takes me to the Potter’s Wheel.  It is a picture in my mind that occurs when I identify my own flesh patterns.  I say to myself, “Back to the wheel!”.  I picture myself as a lump of clay and I am flinging my clay back to the wheel.  I hear the “whrrrr, whrrrr, whrrr” of the wheel in my ears and I ask God to take off those rough edges, smooth them off.  Make me into a more useful vessel.  My part is the surrender.  My part is yielding to His gentle hands as He presses and imprints.  His hands are doing the pressing.  

        Sometimes I need to change my patterns from fear to faith.  Sometimes it is to switch from condemnation and judgment to compassion, sometimes scarcity to abundance.  The key is in recognizing when my pattern is toxic and not aligned with the transformed self.  Surrender.  Lean in.  And do it over and over.

        “”let the whole world see and know that things which were 

          cast down are being raised up, and things which had grown 

          old are being made new, and that all things are being brought

          to their perfection by him through whom all things were made,

          your Son Jesus Christ our Lord.”

                                                              from the Book of Common Prayer

Marriage: The Third Entity

Marriage:  The Third Entity

     For many years I have been teaching the concept of marriage as the Third Entity. I see the individuals as the first and second entities and the marriage as something separate and apart, yet together.  By separating out the marriage entity, we can have a better grasp on the care and nurturing of it.  This third entity must be fed, watered, and fertilized, handled with care, in order to thrive.

     Two challenges are inherent in the care of the marriage:  one is to beat it to death with arrows of criticism, cutting deeply into it’s heart, with sharp words and negativity and dissatisfaction.  The other would be to neglect it all together, too busy with other things to ever feed it. Two sides of the coin: abuse and neglect.  Both can lead to its death.

     Take John and Debbie for instance.  He had a big golf hobby so whenever there were some hours on Saturday and Sunday, he was always looking for a way to romance the ‘greens’.  He also never failed to to the annual getaway with the guys when they went to a tournament.  Debbie was enmeshed with her mom who was her best friend.  She really didn’t mind the time John spent at the golf course because she and mom spent that time shopping together.  They loved their girl time.  She and mom and a couple of mom’s friends had an annual trip to the beach every year without fail.  They did occasionally have a date night but were sure to include other couples.  And John had great times talking with the guys about the latest teams.

     Or take Dan and Betty.  Dan was a homebody.  He was a TV sports buff to the hilt. He spent his Saturdays in front of the TV watching college football all fall and Sundays watching the pros.  Then there was basketball.  Then there was baseball.  Betty was occupying herself with her little girls.  They were involved in dance which was a girl thing anyway, so it turned out pretty convenient.  When Dan wanted to go to a game with the guys, she always had things to do with the girls.They neglected the third entity, telling themselves that everything was fine and they would get around to their marriage needs later. They became snappy with each other and had less and less interest in sex.

      From the altar, with all the love and dreams and hopes, to the slow distancing of life as roommates, really doesn’t take that long.  Happens with one decision after another.  Easy breezy.  Actually in this culture, it is the easier path, with so much knocking on the doors of the coupes time and attention.  In fact, if we had nothing more than Facebook friends and internet, the 3rd Entity would be at risk with some couples.  Have you noticed that simple structures like a meal together, going to bed at the same times, have become major challenges for most couples and families?  Well, I have.  I notice it every single day in my office.  Why am I pleading with couples to go to bed 4 times a week at the same time, have pillow talk, snuggle 10 minutes? Hmmmm..... maybe because I am desperately trying to turn the divorce statistics around.

     I am currently rereading The Principle of the Path:  How to Get from Where You Are to Where You Want to Be.  The principle is so simple, you really want to smack yourself in the head like the V8 commercial.  If you say you want to go to New York and you keep finding yourself headed toward Florida, turn the car around.  He also points to the principle of the harvest:  you reap what you sow.  To ensure the survival of the marriage, it just plainly requires time and attention.  You have to care for it, give it time and attention!  In fact, I would say it is either growing together or growing apart because it won’t just stay neutral.  You could try taking it’s pulse, temperature, check out it’s vitals.  

     I pray that you do some kind of assessment.  Ask some questions: Do I feel closer or more distant from my mate today than a year ago, than 5 years ago?  How often are we ‘dating’?  How is our sex life....routine and dull, or producing some fireworks?  How often do we look each other in the eye and say, “ I love you.”  “I really really love you.” How are my sweet little notes and random cards reflecting my love?  How much thought am I giving to the needs of my mate?  Do I know the challenges of their work, friends, family? What is the condition of our 3 fold cord, the one wrapped with God and prayer?   The information could be lifesaving.

      If your marriage was a plant, it would come with instructions for care.  Why don’t you and your mate sit down together and take 30 minutes to construct such an instruction card.  What would it take to keep this plant alive, growing, and blooming?  

      There is more to follow.....this is the first installment. More to come!

     

       

Favorite Sayings from the Tradition of Twelve- Step Programs

              Favorite Sayings from the Tradition of 

                     Twelve- Step Programs

     "Courage is fear that has said its prayers."

     "Live in the solution."

      "Learn to live life on life's terms."

      "It works if you work it (the program)."

  

      "Are you willing to go to any length for what you want?"

     "Half measures availed us nothing."

     "Act as if......"

      "One day at a time....."

      "Do the next right thing."

     "Keep it simple."

     "Procrastination is fear in 5 syllables."

     "Life begins right outside your comfort zone."

     "Sobriety is living in a one day reprieve."

     "Take care of your body.  Where else are you going to live?"

     "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I     can and the wisdom to know the difference."

     "If Nothing Changes, Nothing Changes."

Principles of Nonharm/Nonviolence Applied to Marriage and Relationships

  margaret's musings on....the Principles of Nonharm/Nonviolence Applied to Marriage and Relationships

     I have been trying now for 25 years to convince premarital  couples that one of their purposes in marriage is to be part of the "healing" to the holes in the souls of their partners.  I try to persuade them in the concepts of nonharm, to become Jesus' hands, feet, and voice, to their mate.  My rationale says that people have been hurt enough by the time they get to us, so can we just commit not to rip and tear and gouge their wounds, but be part of the healing balm in their lives?  It is found in the Biblical principle of letting our words and actions edify (build up) each other rather than tearing down?

Though not a perfect man, but a fallen human, Martin Luther King, Jr. has long held a place of honor in my heart as he put forth and lived by a central principle:  nonviolence and 'nonviolent resistance."  The core of his teaching was the power of love as a change agent.  He believed it to be the most influential change agent.  There were 6 pivotal points to his philosophy:

      1.  The stance of nonharm is courageous, requiring emotional and spiritual strength to "stand" against injustice.

      2.  The person taking the stance of nonharm seeks to understand his oppressor, not to shame him.

      3.  the nonviolent person keeps focus on the inherent evil, not the person or people who do evil.

      4.  Nonviolent resistance commits to accept suffering without retaliation.

      5.  God is always on the side of truth and will ultimately bless those on the side of truth.

     6.  And the central point is that love can conquer bitterness and hatred.

Years before King's philosophy was articulated, the words to "Were You there When They Crucified My Lord" were sung by a group of American blacks to Gandhi, setting off an internal explosion in his own soul.  At the end, he said:  "Perhaps it will be through the Negro that the unadulterated message of nonviolence will be delivered to the world."  For Gandhi, the philosophy of "ahimsa" did not mean mere peacefulness of the absence of nonviolence, but was used to denote active love. Gandhi believed that ahimsa is the most powerful force in existence.

   

     This all seems consistent to the greatest teacher ever on the earth.  Jesus:  "and now abide faith, hope, love, these three, but the greatest of these is love.'  And the words of John ring out, "He who loves his brother abides in the light, and there is no cause for stumbling in him."  In the famous Sermon on the Mount, Jesus says, "But I say to you who hear:  love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, and pray for those who spitefully use you.  To him who strikes you on the one cheek, offer the other also.  And from him who takes away your cloak, do not withhold your tunic either."  What a radical teaching!

     My focus right not is not necessarily on taking the path of nonviolence in the face of oppression.  My focus is on taking the stance of nonharm and nonviolence, "active love" if you will, with those we are in relation, especially marriage.  What would nonharm look like in marriage:  It would be the opposite of active harm for sure.  Active harm is cutting, biting words.  It is gouging with sharp sarcasm, it is mocking, it is calling attention to weakness.  It is shaming.  it is intimidating, being forceful, and threatening.  It is screeching out of the driveway.  passive harm, which is more often the "Christian" way, is cold and withholding.  It might be silence, silence that I call quiet violence.  it might be ignorming, walking away, and shutting down.

      God's legacy of one of longsuffering, tender love (read Song of Solomon), pursuit, serving (taking up the towel), amazing love and amazing love.  Even the physicians take the Hippocratic oath which includes the heart of nonharm.  So the encouragement is , when in relationship, dedicate yourself to be a blessing, not a curse.  It is not a cure, but a way of life.

     

The Beatles Revisited:  I Want to Hold Your Hand

     Sometimes if we are awake enough,  profound lessons can be found in the simplest of acts.  One night several of the grandchildren were spending the night in the camper out back with Granddaddy (otherwise known as Gary).  But one of the little guys, Isaiah (over 6 feet tall now!), had a stomach ache and he wanted to sleep with me in the house.  He tossed and turned and I consoled till the wee hours of the morning.  I had drifted off for a little while, when about 3 a.m. I felt this small poke and heard this sweet little voice say, "GoGo, can we hold hands?"  I took his hand in mine, but he adjust his hand until we had interlocked hands finger by finger.
      Those were simple words, yet an invitation to a king's banquet would not have birthed so much delight.  The invitation that spoke without speaking.  It's dark. I'm alone.  I hurt.  So would you join me?  I need you.  Let's touch, because if your big hand will take hold of my little hand, then we'll lay here together.....connected....and that will make me feel better."
     I couldn't help but wonder, is God moved to that extent and that deeply when we say, "God, can we hold hands?  It's dark and I'm alone, scared, hurting, or whatever, and i need you."  Does he thrill at the sound of his children's voices call on Him to meet their needs?  Is He as honored as I was to take that little hand?  Even though I was the one comforting, I felt such comfort.
      I call my writings "musings' because I muse a lot.  Often when I am carrying in all thee bags of groceries, I marvel at my hands and particularly think of the usefulness of fingers.  My hands are very small and my fingers relatively short, yet I can carry about 6 of those plastic bags stuffed full.  What strength is in a hand?
     But there's so much strength in the hand besides the physical.  Someone taking your hand in the right time and place can impart romantic fireworks, comfort for the brokenhearted, encouragement for the weary, and bring peace and solace to a fragmented soul.  God again, shows Himself brilliant, as our Creator  He even made those fingernails which women use as artist's palettes.  Of course, hands have not escaped the notice of songwriters.  I certainly remember bouncing around the house as a teenager to "I wanna hold your hand."  And around that same era came, "Put your hand in the hand of the man who stilled the water.  Put your hand in the hand of the man who calmed the sea."
      In that most sacred event of marriage, the minister finally asks the couple to "join hands" and later the ever symbolic completed circle is placed on the finger of the hand.  Often we are asked to "lend a hand" or someone will say, "could you give me a hand?"  Jesus often "lent a hand."  Many times the touch of His hand carried healing such as with the blind man.  God's hands are mentioned a great number of times in scripture, especially His right hand.  Probably my favorite reference to His hands is the thought of being clay in the Potter's hands.  And then there's the scene where Peter walks on water and begins to sink  He cries out, "Lord, save me!"  Scripture says, "and immediately Jesus stretched out His hand and caught him." Oh, the times He does that for us and we don't even know it.  But thankfully there are times we do recognize that it is His hand who is holding ours.
   
   
   
   

“Let’s Talk About Me” : The Life of a Narcissist

     I thought the song by Toby Keith was very entertaining.  It begins:

           “We talk about your friends, and the places that you’ve been

            We talk about your skin and the dimples on your chin

            The polish on your toes and the run in your hose

            And God knows, we’re gonna talk about your clothes.

           You know talking about you makes me smile but every once in awhile

           I wanna talk about me, wanna talk about I, Wanna talk about number one

           Oh my me my, What I think, what I like, what I know, what I want, what I see,

           I like talking about you, you, you, you

           But occasionally, I wanna talk about me (me, me, me, me)

           I wanna talk about me (me, me).

For more, go to http://artists.letssingit.com/toby-keith-lyrics

      Narcissism seems to be showing up everywhere we turn.  Go figure.  In an age of such little true self-worth combined with high value on power, success, fastest, loudest, most expensive, we are truly set up for it.  So long ago, because Narcissus turned away from all his pursuing lovers, especially a beauty named Echo, an avenging goddess named Nemesis, cursed him by making him fall hopelessly in love with himself and especially his own handsome face.  And thus narcissism, the tendency to self-worship was birthed.  Common attributes include excessive ‘lots of things’:  self-absorption, self-centeredness, attention-seeking, excessive reaction to criticism, self-importance, grandiosity, and entitlement.  The emphasis here is on excessive.  These are people who are quite seductive to be around, often smart and early on, can make you feel great about yourself.  However, further in relationship, one will discover that they are always in control.  I call them the chess meisters.  They are the meister and you are the pawn on the board.  They hold the keys to the kingdom and you are slave to do the bidding.  In Toby Keith’s song, it is difficult to really distinguish which one of the parties is the narcissist.

  

      But let me be clear.  The lay definition is someone in love with themselves.  Clinically, this is not how we see it.  Clinically, we see the person with a narcissistic injury as someone who suffered rejection for who they were, early in life.  Therefore they are terrified of people seeing the real person inside, so they present the “more than” version and hope everyone is dazzled and entertained by the “false self.”  I said to one of my clients, “Imagine you have 7 rooms inside of you.  How many have you let your wife in?” He looked puzzled and immediately spilled out this answer,” Let her in?  I haven’t let her in.  I have nice rockers on my front porch and a great swing set in the back yard.  She isn’t coming inside the house.”  This leads to another discussion:  what it is like to be married on in a serious relationship (boss? father? mother?) with a narcissist.

       Being married to a narcissist can have tragic results.  However, this can be a slow process because in the beginning, you can be so charmed.  Your duty, however, is to constantly bring the “narcissistic supplies” to the over-significant other.  Eventually, the show will end, the lights will come on, and you will find yourself standing on the stage of life, worn out, needs unmet, with a tattered and torn self-worth.  You have listened, given, admired, applauded, sacrificed, and on and on it goes.  Because, you see, the un-recovered narcissist has serious holes in his soul.  Or her soul.   As the case may be.  And for the un-recovered, you are carrying buckets and buckets of water and pouring them into a sieve.  They are in addition, looking for symbiotic relationships: remember to mirror the narcissist, which means, thinking their thoughts, see what they see, hear what they hear, and feel what they feel.

  

     Can I take an aside to say that all untreated addicts and all individuals with diagnoses of antisocial, borderline, histrionic, and paranoid personality disorders will have all the symptoms of the narcissist.  It goes with the pain that will call for attention inside.  If you were to visit me and I had a migraine, I might nod in your direction, but the pain inside would be screaming for attention.  That is the case with all addictions.  

What to do?  Is there any hope?  Where would one start if one decided that he/she is a true narcissist?

One would have to risk stepping off the pedestal.  They would have to join the ordinary people of life.  They would have to begin paying attention , focusing on others.  Listening .  Being willing to let others have the limelight.  They would have to deal with the harsh judgments that reside inside.   They would have to dare to BE.  They would have to risk vulnerability.  They would have to do all these things to realize the sky didn’t fall.  

Wayne Muller in his book, Legacy of the Heart,  included a chapter on Grandiosity and Humility.  In that chapter he gives an exercise  he calls, “The Practice of Being Ordinary”.  Here are some parts of the exercise:  “Several times a day, wherever you are, take a moment to examine your relationship to the people around you.  Whether you are driving down the road, sitting in a meeting, in line at the supermarket, or with a group of friends, notice how you see yourself in relation to everyone else.  Do you feel special, somehow different from everyone else?  in what way?  Do you feel more intelligent, more complex, harder to understand?  are you more introspective, more sensitive, somehow deeper than everyone else in line at the bank?  Perhaps you feel more wounded, more insightful, or maybe you just feel you have more (or less) potential than every else.  Once you have examined the sensation of being “special,” take a moment to imagine the possibility that you may, in fact, be quite ordinary; that you are, in fact, nobody special. “  Imagine saying to the person next to you, “I am just like you.  We are exactly the same.” “ I am as ordinary as they come.”

       Muller suggests you ask yourself this question:  “What would I have to give up in order to be ordinary, to be just like everyone else?”  Great question!  Reminding ourselves that we are all made from the dust of the earth, the same clay, and to dust we will return, could be a great antidote to narcissistic thinking that sets us apart from others.  The narcissist has taken a life position of “I am NOT OK.”  He or she will compensate to cover this in inordinate ways.  And this always leads back to learning to accept oneself, learn to love oneself, in order to love others, a basic tenant of human relationships.

For more on this subject, here are some suggested readings:

Prisoners of Childhood,  Alice Miller

Transforming your Dragons, by Dr. Jose Stevens

Trapped in the Mirror, Dr.  Elan Golomb   

Legacy of the Heart, Wayne Muller

Run to the Roar

Run to the Roar

     I was introduced to this concept by my friend, John Cadwalader, several years ago when we were taking groups out on a ropes course.  It means, "Run into your fears, no away from them." I think sometimes we back away from situations so quickly and so automatically, we may not identify the culprit as fear.  There are conscious voices and subconscious voices influencing us, so some voices may be audibly heard like negative chatter in our brains.

     Obviously in many areas, we may be running into the roar in life.  After all, getting out of bed in the morning and brushing your teeth, can be an act of courage some days!  But here I am speaking of the myriad walls we hit, most of them small, but some rather large daunting walls.  Those of us who have been through the Encounter workshop have learned to ask, "What are the payoffs for backing away and what are the prices we are paying for backing away?"  We complete thoughts like, "If I do not change this behavior in my life, what I can expect is......" and "if I do change this behavior in my life , what I can expect is......"

     Al Siebert, Ph.D. writes in his book, The Survivor Personality, that the payoffs for having a negative attitude include:  attention, avoiding failure, it takes less energy, don't feel burdened by others problems, avoid responsibility for bad outcomes, and avoiding difficulty.  Wow! Sounds like the easy way out, doesn't it?  But if you look closely, this could be a narcissistic lonely life when you account for all the isolation it would entail.

     We have to constantly weigh things like, "How much do I want x?' I like us use a scale of 1 to 10 and declare it in my head.  Problem is, with some things, I have quit wanting x because climbing over the wall seems too daunting, so I just told myself that I didn't really want it.  I think they call that "self-sabatage", or better yet, "lying to yourself." I love this passage concerning hitting walls:

     "For You will light my lamp; the LORD my God will enlighten my darkness.  

      For by You I can run against a troop, with my God I can scale a wall." Psalm 18: 28-29

     So let's think about all those things we SAY we want:  to quit smoking, to quit drinking (so much!), to have a better job, to have more fun, to have more friends, to have a better marriage, to meditate more in God s word.  You see, running into the roar can mean thousands of different paths.  Running to the roar always always means we must summons courage, enter struggles, enter fears, and let go of some safe piece of ground that we call our comfort zon.e  I was so drawn to a passage in Uprising by Erwin McManus, titled "A Passion to live."  He says, "So many of us have abdicated our passions for obligations, as if passion is a luxury for the young, and we must all grow up on day.  We, even if reluctantly, fall into place to live a life of conformity what we describe as "maturity."  We've made acting like an adult synonymous with living apathetic lives."  Ouch!  What an indictment!

     I believe if we all pay attention to the many things we find ourselves backing away from, we will really be awakened.  And if we summons up the courage to move toward those things, I think our lives will change.  I think we will create a new experience for others, but importantly, we will experience ourselves in a different more powerful impacting way.  Try it.  I think you will be please with the results!